


Amnesia

by RandomSlasher (Randomslasher), Thuri



Category: Scrubs
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-15
Updated: 2006-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:30:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomslasher/pseuds/RandomSlasher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thuri/pseuds/Thuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JD awakens from an accident to find his memory is gone</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> We are kind of playing fast and loose with retrograde amnesia here, folks. We try, for the most part, to keep things medically accurate, but we're taking some artistic license for the sake of the plot. (Hell, Hollywood does it all the time with amnesia, right?).

His right foot itched. That was the first thing he noticed. It was under a blanket, next to the left, and he wanted to kick it free, to scratch. But the effort that would take seemed like too much...so instead he lay where he was, listening.

There wasn't much to listen to, just a soft beeping, a hiss from somewhere nearby, feet in the corridor. There was a scent in the air he could almost place... _I'm in a hospital._ His mind seemed very sure of that fact.

Why? That was harder. People went to hospitals if they were sick, or injured. He took stock of his body. Itching foot, check. Legs, unmentionables-- _Dude, why am I calling my cock and balls something that dumb?_ \--arms, hands, chest, head...all accounted for, even if they didn't want to move much. He had a headache, though, and something was rubbing against his nose. His ribs hurt, too. Injured then, not sick. Probably waking from head trauma, what with the fuzzy thoughts...

But figuring out how he knew _that_ didn't seem enough to hold his attention, and he slipped off again.

 

The next time he woke up, his head was clearer. He shifted, groaning a little at the soreness in his ribs, his neck, his head. "What'd I fall off of?" he tried to ask, but it came out as another low groan. And a suddenly more pressing question presented itself, as his mind tried to reach for what had put him here. And found...nothing. Not one thing. Not even the most basic. _Fuck...what's my_ name _?_

The shock of that thought was enough to force his gritty eyes open.

Yep--hospital. He had a moment of triumph, but it was fleeting, as the absolute absence of any other kind of memory made a heavy, panicky feeling curl up in his gut.

There was someone by his bed. A Hispanic woman with long, curly hair and a stethoscope draped around her neck--a nurse, maybe? Or a doctor? She was watching him, eyes wide, and when his gaze locked with hers her face broke into a gigantic grin. "Hey, Bambi," she breathed, reaching out to take his hand. "I thought you might be waking up."

 _Bambi?! That can't_ really _be my name, can it? God, if it is, I probably hate my parents..._

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out was a mild croak.

Apparently he sounded confused enough, however, because she offered: "You crashed your bike pretty bad; you've been out cold for almost three weeks. Had us pretty worried."

He frowned, but added this knowledge to his thin list of "Things I Definitely Know As Of Now." Crash, unconscious, hospital. Okay, got it.

"I just paged Dr. Cox," the woman continued, glancing at the door. "He should be here any minute. He's been looking after you, you know--I think he was more worried than he wanted to let on." She winked at him as if this were some big secret or joke, and he offered her a bemused smile in return, hoping that maybe if he was pleasant enough they'd give him something for this damned headache.

As if on cue, the door opened again, and a large, broad-shouldered man with curly hair wearing a white lab coat over a gray t-shirt and blue scrubs pants suddenly barreled into the room.

"Ah, Felicity!" he said, a somewhat feral grin on his face. "I see you've finally decided to terminate your beauty sleep! Honestly, I think it was a good call, because you've been asleep so long we've literally had to come by your room twice a day with a broom and chase away all your would-be admirers. Too much of a good thing, you know?"

He didn't. Not in the slightest. And so far he'd been called Bambi _and_ Felicity, and unless he was very much mistaken, neither was his real name. These people obviously knew who he was, but they weren't helping him get any closer to figuring that out.

"Um... sure?" he managed.

"Atta girl," the man--Dr. Cox?--said, moving forward and snapping on a pair of gloves. "Just let me take a look here..." He pulled an instrument out of his coat pocket. "Look up for me?"

He did, trying not to blink as the man shone a bright light into first his right eye, then his left.

"Good," he murmured. "Good. Normal pupil reactivity. How are his vitals?"

"Within normal limits," the woman replied.

"Excuse me?" he tried, tentatively.

"Excellent. Let's go ahead and wean him off the oxygen, then, and see about getting someone from PT down to do an eval--"

"Excuse me?"

"I already paged them, they said they'd send someone as soon as they could..."

"Excuse me!"

They looked this time, both seeming a little startled. "Yeah, Bambi, what is it?"

He winced, closing his eyes against the pain in his head--the yelling hadn't done much for that. "Would one of you mind telling me exactly what's going on here?" He looked at Dr. Cox. "I assume you're my doctor?"

The man frowned. "I admitted you, yeah," he replied. He glanced at the woman, who was looking equally bemused.

"I told him," she defended. "Right when he woke up."

"Uh-huh," Cox said slowly. "Hey, Samantha--can you tell me where you are?"

Samantha? _Oh for crying out..._ "I'll make you a deal," he snapped irritably. "I'll tell you where I am if you'll tell me my actual name."

The reaction he got was immediate. The woman--Carla--gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. Dr. Cox didn't flinch, but his expression was somber. "Because you're sick of the girl's names, Newbie?" he murmured. "Or because you don't know it yourself?"

"Let's go with C, all of the above," he growled.

Carla took a step backwards, eyes bulging, and Dr. Cox closed his eyes briefly.

"Your name is John Michael Dorian," he said after a long moment of silence. "You go by JD."

 _Well, at least now we're getting somewhere,_ he thought. "JD. Okay, I'll take your word for it. Makes more sense than Bambi, anyway, and since I remember enough to know I'm not a girl it _definitely_ makes more sense than Felicity or Samantha. What am I doing here?"

Cox glanced at Carla again, then back at him, giving him a terse smile. "Listen, I--this is a bit... unexpected," he finally said. "I think before we tell you more we need to get someone in here to give you a psych eval. Just... well, you're safe, if that makes you feel any better."

JD groaned, closing his eyes. He wanted answers, not another test. He let out a sigh, and opened his eyes again, looking up at Dr. Cox. There was something about him...JD felt himself instinctually trusting the other man, and pushed his protests down. "Safe. Yeah, okay. Can you at least tell me where here is? I know it's a hospital, but..." He trailed off, not wanting to admit he didn't even know which state he was in.

Cox hesitated. "I... I really think it's best we..." he paused, then shrugged. "Oh, hell--you're at Sacred Heart Hospital in Sherman Oaks, California. And I really can't tell you any more before the evaluation, and I shouldn't have even told you _that_ , but I promise we're going to take care of you, okay?" He frowned. "You hit your head pretty hard when you landed, so I'm betting you've just got some temporary amnesia. But I'm no head-shrinker, so we'll just wait for him to make his appearance, whaddya say?"

Sacred Heart. California. That should mean more to him than it did. Where the hell was Sherman Oaks, anyway? JD sighed again. "Can I get something for my head before he does?" he asked, somehow expecting the answer was no.

Cox shrugged. "I can give you Tylenol now, or you can wait until after your eval and I can give you something a little stronger," he said. "I'll leave it up to you."

"I'll wait. Um...thanks." JD tried to ignore the look Carla was giving him, her eyes wide and worried. She must know him...Why would he know a nurse? Especially well enough to get a nickname like Bambi? And why had Dr. Cox been calling him girl's names? If he knew both of them...either he got hurt a lot, or he was often around the hospital for some other reason. Would explain how he knew the smell...But thinking was only making his head hurt worse, so he tried to stop.

They were silent for several awkward moments. JD glanced at the window, staring up at the sky, wishing he could at least remember what _month_ it was.

Fortunately, a moment later, the door opened, and a bald, black man with green scrubs walked in, a grin on his face. JD noticed him a millisecond before the others--they seemed to be lost in their thoughts--and smiled. "You the psych eval guy?" he asked politely.

"Very funny, dude," the guy replied, grin not slipping. "'Bout time you woke up, Rowdy's been pining away for you."

JD furrowed his brow, glancing from the guy to Dr. Cox, wondering if he was supposed to know this person, too. "Uh...who's Rowdy? Who are _you_?"

Carla's eyes had widened during this exchange; now, she leapt to her feet, moving toward the man. "Turk, baby, wait, let me explain..."

"Who am _I_?!" the man said, face incredulous. "Baby, let go--JD, dog, _tell_ me this is some kind of joke...?"

"No joke, Gandhi," Cox said, voice dry. "He doesn't remember. Look, we're waiting for the eval guy, so just... everybody calm down, okay? Carla, can you get him out of here for now?"

"Oh, hell no, you son of a bitch, don't you start treating me like a child!" the black man--Turk?--said, glowering at Cox before turning his gaze desperately back to JD. "Dude, come on, you know me, don't you? Your roomie? Chocolate Bear? Please..."

JD winced, feeling miserable. "I..." he twisted the sheets on his lap, looking away, unable to meet the crushed look on the other man's face. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"Gandhi! Not helping!" Cox snapped. "Carla! Get him out of here. Now!"

JD bit his lip, not looking up again until the door swung closed behind them, Turk arguing all the way. His roommate. And the nurse, Carla...she must be with him. All right, that was how he knew them. But what about Dr. Cox? He wound the sheet tighter between his hands. "Guess he wasn't the psych eval guy, then," he offered after a few moments of silence. "This sucks..."

Cox looked at him, and JD waited for some sort of soothing platitudes--something typically doctorly--to come from him, but instead the older man simply nodded. "Yeah, it does," he said. "But it's not _entirely_ unexpected, with the kind of knock on the head you took."

JD smiled slightly. He decided he liked this Dr. Cox. "That's something. I can start asking you questions, once the eval's over, right? Because I gotta say, I've got a shitload of 'em..."

"Glad _that_ hasn't changed about you, at least," Cox murmured, but he smiled. "And yeah, Newbie, you can ask me questions when your eval's over."

"God, how many nicknames do I _have_?" JD almost laughed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I know, you can't answer, but _dude_..."

Cox chuckled a little, shaking his head, but before he could reply there was a knock at the door, and an elderly, rather stern-looking gentleman walked in. JD bit his lip, deciding against asking if this was the psych guy in case it turned out to be his father or something, but when Cox stood and began talking to him about his mental state, JD figured his first guess had been right.

He couldn't quite hear them, but a moment later they both turned to look at him again. "Newb--JD," Cox corrected himself. "This is Dr. Carmichael, and he's going to be doing your evaluation, so we can see what we're dealing with, exactly. I'm going to step out while he does that, but I'll be back when he's finished, okay?"

JD nodded slowly, hoping he hadn't brightened quite as much as he thought he had at the news that Dr. Cox would be right back. "Thank you, Dr. Cox." He swallowed, and looked up at the stern man in front of him, giving him a slight, worried smile and tried to think of something to say.

The man sent him through a series of questions, most very basic--his name, his birth date, his hometown. JD felt oddly like a schoolboy who was miserably failing a pop quiz; when he told the doctor he only knew his name because Cox had told it to him, the man had frowned and made a quick note.

After what felt like a short, excruciating eternity, but was in reality only about fifteen minutes, the man snapped his clipboard shut and stuck the pen back in his coat pocket. "Mm," he said (he'd been saying that a lot; JD found himself wondering if he'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich or something equally sticky). "Looks like you've got a case of traumatic amnesia," he said, and JD very nearly rolled his eyes--like he'd needed a psychologist to tell him _that_?

 _Well, why not? You didn't even remember your name..._

"It's not completely unheard of, with a head injury like yours," the man continued. "You had a pretty severe concussion when you came in, and a subcranial hematoma, which is why they had to intubate you--your intercranial pressure had gotten pretty high. Fortunately they were able to relieve it without doing a craniotomy, so you'll find you still have your hair."

The man shoved his glasses up his nose, folding his arms; JD waited for a moment, but when the silence began to stretch uncomfortably, he said, "So... what do we do?"

Carmichael raised his eyebrows. "Do?" he said. "Nothing. You're stable, so I imagine we'll prescribe some painkillers for you and send you home. Your memory should return in time."

"That's it? I just...go home, and hope it gets better?" JD wasn't sure if he felt like crying or laughing, when he realized he didn't even know where "home" was. With that Turk guy? And Rowdy, whoever the hell that was? Another doctor? "Well then...Thank you, doctor." He resisted the urge to add that he'd been a big help, because he knew he couldn't keep his tone even if he tried it.

Carmichael nodded, then turned and left the room. JD closed his eyes, trying not to panic. This would be okay--surely it would. Obviously he had friends--that Turk guy seemed to care a lot, and so did Carla, and then of course there was Dr. Cox...

He heard the door open again, and, as though he'd summoned him by thinking his name, Cox reappeared, walking over to the bed and lowering himself down on the edge. "So," he said. "I spoke to Carmichael. Traumatic amnesia--do you remember what that means, or should I explain it to you?"

JD opened his mouth to ask why he'd know, but instead heard himself say, "Organic damage, usually due to head trauma, most often transient and linked to the severity of the injury. And this is retrograde, since I've lost my past, but doesn't seem to be anterograde." He snapped his mouth shut, eyes widening as he looked up. "And how the hell do I _know_ that?"

Cox was grinning broadly. "Because you're a doctor," he replied.

JD stared at him. "I--I am?"

"Yeah," Cox said. Then, "Well, sort of. You're actually a first-year resident, but you've completed med school and your internship."

"I'm a doctor. Dude..." JD just let himself boggle for a second, before wincing slightly at another stab from his headache. "I guess that explains why all of you know me. And can I get something for my head now...?"

"I already wrote you a prescription for percocet," Cox said. "Carla's going to the pharmacy to get it. And yes, that's why we know you. Your bald buddy back there was upset because you've actually been joined at his hip for about nine and a half years."

"So I'm...first year resident..." JD paused, thinking hard through the pain in his head. "How old am I? Fuck, I can't believe I don't know this stuff..." Should he be cursing in front of Cox? He still wasn't sure how he knew him, aside from the bare fact they must've worked together. "And nine years...God, no wonder he freaked out. Why was he talking about chocolate bears, though? And who's Rowdy?" He blushed, suddenly, realizing he was firing out questions he didn't even know if Cox would know the answers to. "Or should I just shut up and get some sleep?"

Cox tilted his head. "Well, now, that'd be up to you, wouldn't it?" he said. "Do you want answers or do you want to sleep?"

"Apparently I've been sleeping for three weeks. I'd rather have the answers..."

"Fair enough," Cox said. "To answer your questions: You just turned twenty-seven last week, Chocolate Bear is what you call Gandhi back there, and Rowdy is a dead stuffed yellow lab that the two of you, for whatever reason, have a very unnatural obsession with and insist upon keeping and treating as though he were alive."

JD nodded slowly. "Okay. I don't have to ask you if I'm weird, because that answered that. And if I've got a dead dog in my apartment, I'm guessing I'm single..."

Cox snorted, lifting an eyebrow. "You guess correctly," he said. "After all, having a girlfriend would really get in the way of your having sex with my ex-wife."

"I..." JD's eyes bugged, and he felt himself blushing. "I have sex with your ex-wife?"

Cox actually laughed. "Relax, Newbie, you only did it once, and you didn't know who she was," he said, still chuckling.

"Um. Good?" JD found himself laughing. Tiredly, but with true amusement. "Okay, we have to make a rule. You can feed me as much crap as you want, but let me know afterwards? Though the dog thing is too strange not to be true..."

"Fair enough," Cox said again. "And yes, the dog thing _is_ true. Much as Carla wishes it weren't. And ah, speaking of..." he looked toward the door, which opened, and Carla poked her head in tentatively.

"Someone order the percocet...?" She asked softly.

JD smiled shyly at her, mind scrabbling to link her face to anything besides the moments when he'd woken up. And...nothing. Damn. "Think that's for me. Thanks, Carla." He hesitated, fingers playing in the sheets again, wanting to ask how Turk was, and not sure he wanted to know the answer. Nine years. God...

Cox noted his discomfort, apparently, and moved forward, taking the white paper bag from her and nodding his thanks. "Let's let him rest before we call in the troops, okay?" JD heard him say softly to her.

She nodded, giving JD a hesitant smile before backing out of the room. Cox turned back to him, studying his face and taking note of his blush. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of, kid," he said softly.

"I know I don't...I mean, it's not my fault I can't remember them, right? But..." JD let out a sigh, shifting a little on the bed. "Thank you." He wasn't sure how close he and Cox were supposed to be, but he was incredibly grateful for the man's steady presence now. JD didn't feel like he was expecting something, and the subtle ways the older doctor was protecting him had warmth spreading through him.

Didn't hurt that Cox was easy on the eyes, either, JD decided, watching him get water and shake out a pill. Big, obviously in shape, ruggedly handsome face...even the extra curly hair was attractive, making his fingers want to touch it, run through it...

He brought himself up short on that line of thought. _Shit...am I gay? He said I slept with his ex-wife, though, and that I didn't have a girlfriend, but..._ But he couldn't deny Cox was one fine looking man.

Which brought him to another thought that crushed his embarrassment. "Dr. Cox? Is there...is there a mirror in here?"

Cox glanced at him. "In the bathroom," he said, returning to his bedside and handing him the small round pill and a glass of water. "I could track down a smaller one, or--if you want to try walking, I could help you in there. Wondering what you look like?"

JD blushed, and nodded carefully, again soothed by the way Cox just rolled with it, not making a big deal out of something that he thought most people would've. He tilted his head back and popped the pill in his mouth, swallowing it quickly with a glass of water. "Yeah..." he said after he'd downed the rest of the glass. "And is it okay for me to get up? If I've been in bed this long, I mean..."

"Wouldn't have offered if it wasn't okay," Cox replied lightly. "You're hooked to a catheter, so let me unhook that from the bed, but then we'll be good to go."

He moved forward, unhooking the bag from the side of the bed. "We'll get someone to d'c this when you're back in bed, and bring you a bedside urinal instead," Cox said. "A little easier than messing with the tube-- _not_ something you want to get caught on something, you know?"

JD snorted, nodding fervently. Cox grinned at him, then hooked the clip on the bag--which JD was grateful to see had recently been emptied--in the elastic of his scrubs. He then held out one arm. "I'm going to let you pull yourself up, if you can," he said. "And I'll let you do as much unaided walking as you want to try, but don't overdo it, okay? You've been in bed for over three weeks; your legs will have atrophied a little."

JD nodded, wondering why he wasn't embarrassed by Dr. Cox's attentions. It seemed like he should've been, but he wasn't. Pushing it out of his mind, he got himself up--with only a bit of help--and started across the floor, leaning on the other man as much as he needed to. Which was less, by the end of it, when his head stopped spinning quite so much.

Soon enough, they were there, Cox pushing the door out of the way, flipping the light on and then just standing unobtrusively beside him. JD raised his eyes to the mirror, slowly letting his bottom lip escape his teeth.

The face looking back at him was pale and worried. It was a good face, though, he decided after a moment. Lips just too full for a guy, nose too long, but he had nice eyes, and unusually expressive eyebrows, which were furrowed just then. He relaxed, smiling a little, then more when he saw the good-natured lines it created. He was slightly tempted to make faces at himself--and knew he would've if Dr. Cox hadn't been standing right there--but this little bit was enough. "Okay. I can live with that," he said, glancing at Cox in the mirror.

The older man was smirking slightly, but he nodded. "No reason not to," he said gruffly. "You ready to head back to bed?"

JD nodded, raising one hand to run it back through his hair, pausing for a second when he'd pulled his bangs up off his forehead, something niggling at the back of his mind. He shrugged it off, trying not to think of how he and Cox looked next to each other. Take away the hospital gown, and he thought it was rather a nice view... _God, I'm insane, perving after my doctor. Who knows a hell of a lot more about me than I do about him right now._ "Yeah...Think I should get some sleep."

"I think that's a good idea," Cox said mildly. "That percocet will be kicking in soon." He began leading JD back out of the bedroom; JD found he had to rely on Cox's presence to keep him upright a lot more than he had on the way to the bathroom. He flushed, slightly embarrassed, but Cox took it in stride, his arm strong and sure as he gripped JD's. "I'd like you to try to eat a few crackers, too, if you think you can manage," the older man said. "That percocet will make you nauseated if you don't eat something with it."

"Sure, I'll give it a try," JD replied, gratefully easing himself back down into bed. "Don't think I need to add nausea to everything else..." He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. "Anything else I should know, before I sleep? There's too much...too much to think about what to ask."

"Nah," Cox said, shaking his head after a moment's consideration. "Nothing pressing, other than not to worry. This kind of amnesia tends to fade within a few days, or a few weeks at worst." He grinned, giving JD a thumbs up. "I'll send someone in with some saltines. Try to sleep after you eat them. I doubt you'll have much trouble--you've proven you're pretty good at it."

"Sleeping? It doesn't take a lot of skill..." JD yawned, and giggled softly. "Think I'm mostly there already. Dr. Cox...thank you. So much. You're making this a lot easier than I think it could've been..."

For some reason, Cox snorted, looking a little surprised--though JD got the distinct impression it was aimed at himself. "I--yeah, no problem," he said. The grin had slipped from his face, but he replaced it with a more genuine smile. "G'night, Newbie."

JD reminded himself to ask about the nickname later, but for now merely reached out and squeezed the other man's hand lightly, before releasing it again. "Night. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

Cox simply stared at him for a moment, expression unreadable; then, clearing his throat, he looked down. "I--yeah, of course. See you."

Then he turned and left the room. JD wondered if he'd somehow offended the man, but found himself too tired to worry about it. The last thought that crossed his mind as he drifted into sleep was he hoped whoever brought him the crackers didn't try to wake him up to eat them.

* * *

Perry stepped out of JD's room and immediately fell back against the wall, bringing his hands up to rub his face. _See you tomorrow._ It hadn't even crossed his mind to say that he was actually off tomorrow--and he knew it wasn't because he'd forgotten. He'd agreed knowing full well he was off, and at the same time knowing full well he'd be there anyway.

 _What are you_ doing _, Perry? That's Newbie in there, not some... some piece of ass you can just flirt with and damned be the consequences. You're his_ boss _, whether he remembers it or not, and right now you're being anything but professional!_

He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head sharply. Jesus. Yeah, okay, he'd been attracted to JD for a while--months, really--but he'd never planned to _do_ anything about it. First of all, he'd done too damn good a job painting his usual self-portrait as "Evil Dr. Cox" from day one to start changing now. The kid would never believe it even if he tried. Secondly, it... well, JD was his subordinate. He could never be sure, even if he _did_ admit to his feelings and JD reacted favorably, if the kid really felt... well, anything _for_ him, or was just afraid to tell him no.

Or worse, told him yes hoping for special treatment or career advancement.

Besides, what did he _want_ from Newbie, anyway? Up until three weeks ago, he'd figured his attraction was strictly physical. He was human, after all, and Newbie... well, Newbie wasn't hard on the eyes. But when they'd wheeled him into the ER, pale and broken and bleeding, Perry knew that, based on the way his heart had decided to take up permanent residence in his throat, his feelings for JD went beyond the whole mentor-with-the-slight-attraction-to-his-student thing.

What he _did_ feel, he still wasn't sure; he'd carefully ignored this revelation in favor of focusing on JD's recovery. He'd slipped into the worried doctor routine, and no one had questioned it, because JD _had_ been in pretty bad shape, at least at first. It had been pretty touch-and-go for that first week, so there hadn't been a _reason_ to question his near constant presence at the kid's bedside. And even as time passed, and JD started to recover physically, the fact that he'd still been in a coma had been excuse enough.

But now... well, now JD was awake. Sure, he didn't remember squat, but like he'd told the kid himself, that wasn't _terribly_ unusual following such a severe concussion.

Yet Perry was planning to come in on his day off just to hold his hand?

 _That's not fair,_ a more rational voice within him said. _He's scared, and for some reason he's attached himself to you. It's pretty common for a patient suffering from amnesia to designate a caretaker--a safeguard. When everyone around you knows more about your life than you do, it's hard to know whom to trust._

Well, sure. But by rights, that person should've been Gandhi. Maybe, _maybe_ , Barbie or Carla. Not him.

He drew a deep breath and pushed himself away from the wall, wandering back toward the nurse's station to check on his other patient charts. JD had looked so... so young, in there. So helpless. If Perry hadn't already suspected he'd fallen for the kid, well... the way he'd smiled at him in the mirror would've taken care of that in a heartbeat.

Shit. What was he going to _do_?

 _Don't worry_ , the more cynical voice piped up. _Soon enough his memory will return, and he'll go right back to having that love-hate mentor thing for you, and you can call him girl's names and watch him chase Barbie and basically go right back to being your miserable lonely self, trying to drag everyone else down with you by being a grade-A asshole in the meantime._

Yeah. He sighed, grabbing the first patient chart he found and flipping it open without even bothering to check if it was one of his. Yeah, things would settle down, once JD remembered... well, everything. The sooner that happened, the better, so Perry would do all he could to help him remember, even if it meant coming in on his days off.

 _Pure motives, Perry. Very pure._

He ignored the voice this time, scowling as he grabbed a pen and began to scribble an order. So what if his motives weren't the purest? For once, what he wanted to do and what needed to be done actually coincided; he'd be damned if he'd waste that opportunity. Heaven knew it was rare, and it sure as hell wouldn't last long anyway.

It never did.

* * *

JD's dreams were incredibly strange, full of people he almost knew, and more he didn't asking him why not. He was almost relieved, when he felt a light hand on his arm and a soft voice calling his name. "Hmm?" he managed, blinking slowly.

An attractive blond woman in blue scrubs was leaning over him, smiling hesitantly. "Hey, JD. I've got your crackers..."

JD blinked again, reaching up to rub his eyes. From her attitude, he knew he should know her, but nothing was coming to mind. His mind cast back, but he couldn't place her. "Thanks. Um, I'm sorry, I don't..."

"Oh!" She blushed and grinned. "I'm Elliot. We're...well, we know each other, and we're both residents, and we dated for a while last year--which was an absolute _disaster_ \--and now we're just good friends. But don't worry, I know you don't know any of that. Can you try and eat? Dr. Cox was really insistent about it..."

 _I dated her? I have good taste..._ JD nodded slowly at the rush of information, wishing it was Cox sitting there instead, and feeling a little guilty for it. "Okay. Elliot. And yeah, I think I can manage, thanks." She helped him sit up, and he took the crackers from her, eating them slowly, trying to think what to say. "Um..."

"I know, this is totally awkward, isn't it?" she replied with a hesitant grin. "I want to ask you how you're doing, and be all supportive and everything, but I don't want overwhelm you, and Dr. Cox threatened to kill me if I did--you don't have to tell him I told you that--so I'm not sure I should say anything at all and..."

"Do you always talk so fast?" JD asked, wondering when she breathed.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, usually."

He grinned to himself and fell silent, just listening to her. It was actually kind of restful, listening to her go on and on, knowing he wasn't required to reply. And he couldn't help the small bubble of appreciation that had grown within in him at hearing Dr. Cox was warning people away from making things too hard on him. He wasn't sure what he'd done, to inspire the older doctor to go above and beyond like this, but he was glad of it.

"Elliot?" he asked finally, when she paused for breath. "How's Turk? He seemed really upset, before, and..." JD sighed. "Dr. Cox said I've known him for almost ten years, so I don't blame him."

Elliot didn't answer right away, picking at a loose thread on the blanket she sat on. "You've been roommates with him since your freshman year of college," she offered after a moment. "And Carla gets jealous, sometimes, of how close the two of you are. So he's...he's pretty upset, but he'll be okay. And JD, it's not your fault, so don't feel guilty, okay? Besides, you should start remembering things really fast, complete retrograde amnesia is totally rare...Even if the movies don't think so."

It was easy for her to say not to feel guilty, but JD couldn't quite help it. _Closer to him than his girlfriend, and I asked him who he was...God._ "Okay..." He let out his breath slowly. "Everyone keeps telling me it's temporary." He was silent for a moment, and so was she, and the tension grew too thick. He had to break it. "So...am I any good in the sack?"

"What?!" Elliot looked up, shocked, and then started giggling when she saw the look on his face. "You're okay." She winked.

"Just okay?"

"All right, maybe better than okay," Elliot amended, still giggling. "But you should get some more sleep, and I've got patients to see...I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay," JD replied, finding himself smiling back at her. "Elliot? Thanks."

"Don't mention it. Bye."

She left, and he settled back down, letting his mind drift where it would, slowly falling back to sleep.

* * *

Cox was there, when he woke again. JD couldn't help the smile that slid onto his face, but he was silent for a moment--the older man hadn't realized he'd woken up, so JD took a moment to just study him.

He was sitting next to the bed, one foot propped up on the bed frame, and he was frowning as he read what JD could only guess was his own chart. But there was something different... something not quite right about--

It hit him suddenly, as he woke more fully: Dr. Cox was wearing a black polo shirt and a faded pair of blue jeans. _Street clothes._

What...?

Okay, distracting himself from just staring at the older man's forearms--not an easy task, because _damn_ \--JD tried to work it out, hating the fuzziness that still seemed to permeate the corners of his mind. If Cox was in street clothes, he probably had the day off. But then why was he here? Maybe this was another dream...

"Dr. Cox?" he asked, voice hesitant.

Cox jumped, nearly dropping the chart, and sat up quickly. His face melted into a grin after a moment, though, and he put his hand over his heart, shaking his head. "Geez," he said. "No coffee necessary for me today, I guess, huh?"

JD giggled. "Guess not. I'll clear my throat or something, next time..." He supposed it made sense, if he'd been asleep for three weeks...Cox must've gotten used to him just lying there, and not moving or saying anything. "Um. Hi?"

"Hi," Cox replied, not seeming to know what else to say either. There was a moment of shy silence, then Cox cleared his throat. "I've, uh... I've been looking over your chart," he said. "All your cognitive functioning based on the psych eval seems to be normal, so it's really just the memory. We'll do a CT scan again just to be sure, but I'd say you'll recover soon enough." He looked over at JD, discomfort slipping away as he fell into "doctor mode"--a transformation so plain JD almost imagined he could see the lab coat and stethoscope. "Do you remember anything more since yesterday?"

JD started to say no, then stopped, his brow furrowing. "I have an older brother. Who used to beat the crap out of me... His name's Dan? And it snowed, where I grew up. A lot." He smiled slightly. "I guess I do, yeah." He settled himself back, ignoring the lingering soreness in his ribs. "It's your day off, isn't it?"

Cox, who had been nodding encouragingly at JD's memories, suddenly looked away, clearly embarrassed. "I--um. Well... technically, I guess. But I've... I mean, it's not that unusual for me to show up on my days off anyway..." he trailed off, then said, "So, you remember Dan, huh? That's good... he was here not too long ago. There's... shall we say, there's not much love lost between him and me, but it's still a good sign you remember him." He was babbling, clearly trying to change the subject. JD couldn't help but grin.

"As far as I can tell, I don't like him very much, either," JD replied, taking momentary pity on Cox's embarrassment, though it amused him as well. "But then that could be because it's mostly younger stuff, now...That's normal, right? Remembering early things first?" He wasn't sure if Cox really did come in on his days off, but he figured part of the reason the older man was here today was because of him. And he could definitely live with that.

Cox nodded vigorously. "Absolutely," he said. "It's unusual to have this kind of complete loss, of course, but it's a very good sign that you're starting to remember things. Of course..." he frowned, glancing through the chart again the looking up at JD. "If you'd really forgotten even your childhood, it may mean some of the more recent things will take a bit longer to return than we estimated."

"Months instead of weeks?" JD asked, ignoring the clenching in his gut. He'd be leaving the hospital in a few days, and he didn't know where he was going, how he was going to live...somehow he doubted you were allowed to be a doctor when you couldn't remember med school.

Cox winced. "It's unlikely, of course, but... well, so is this whole thing, so I'd have to say it's not outside the realm of possibility." He looked at JD, face softening with sympathy. "Hey, don't worry about it too much--just focus on feeling better for now."

JD nodded slowly, putting the possibility out of his mind. He'd remember everything soon, he had to. "Good advice, except I don't really feel that bad. Just this headache and my ribs...I guess I cracked them? What happened, other than my head getting knocked around?"

"It... you were hit by a car," Cox said after a moment. "On your bicycle. It was raining, and dark, and I guess they just didn't see you, or they couldn't stop in time--we don't know, because the bastards didn't stop." His eyes darkened, face drawing in on a furious scowl, and JD had to swallow--he would _not_ , he decided, ever want to be on the receiving end of that look. "Anyway--someone called the hospital, and they brought you in here. We..." he paused again, and looked down. "We weren't very sure you were going to pull through, at first. You broke several ribs, and your head--you'd lost quite a bit of blood, by the time they got you in, and you went into hypovolemic shock. You actually crashed once, but we were able to stop the bleeding and transfuse quickly enough that we got your heart started again." He chuckled humorlessly. "Still not something I'd care to relive," he said softly.

"Kinda hope I don't remember that," JD murmured, fingers twisting in the sheets again. "Shit...No wonder everyone was so relieved when I woke up. Then I had to freak you all out all over again..."

"Not your fault, Newbie," Cox replied, shaking his head.

"Why do you call me that?" JD asked, remembering he'd wanted to. "And what was with the girl's names, when I woke up?"

Cox stared at him, seemingly at a loss. "I..." he broke off, hesitant. "Well, when you first started working here, I called you that because you were. A newbie, I mean. It just kind of... stuck."

"And the girl's names?" JD prompted.

Cox shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "You're... kind of a girly guy, honestly. It's just... a habit, I guess."

"I'm girly?" JD hesitated, but it felt true as he said it, so he didn't argue. Great. "Think I like 'Newbie' better, frankly. But I still say you people have too many nicknames for me." He grinned a little. "So what do people call you?"

"To my face?" Cox said without thinking, rolling his eyes a little. "Dr. Cox, mostly."

To his face? How much of a hardass _was_ Cox, anyway? "Then I'll stick with that," JD replied, shifting again. "Can I get something to eat? I think I'm hungry. Those crackers weren't very filling and that must've been ages ago..."

"Yeah, of course," Cox said. "I'll go have them order something. Anything in particular sound good?"

"No...not really. Just food." JD settled back, images of food flashing through his mind, meals with his family, a Christmas Dan threw mashed potatoes at him, bath afterward, playing with his new doctor's kit, bundling up to go into the snow, watching the weather to hope schools were closed in..."Ohio. I grew up in Trotwood, Ohio," he said, then blushed. "Sorry. Think I'm going to be lord of the non sequitur for a while..."

Cox actually laughed. "Believe me, kid," he said. "We're used to that."

"That's not terribly reassuring," JD replied dryly, but almost grinned, starting to relax. He was remembering things. This would all be all right, in time.

* * *

Over the next day and a half, he did start recalling more. Nothing recent, unfortunately--nothing that made him feel any better about leaving the hospital--but he was starting to get a better feel for who he was. What his childhood had been like: his dad leaving, his mom remarrying (apparently more than once), his brother basically making his life a living hell. Now, sitting with Elliot playing Egyptian Ratscrew with the deck of cards she'd brought, JD reflected that he rather wished the rest of his memory would hurry up, because so far it hadn't been that great.

Elliot was the one who'd been spending the most time with him, apart from Dr. Cox. Turk had tried, once or twice, but he'd had a hard time relating to this JD who didn't seem to remember him.

JD'd been miserable, when he'd left earlier, but Dr. Cox had waved it off. "He'll get over it," he said. "You can't be worried about trying to get your memory back _and_ worried about hurting Gandhi's feelings."

He knew it was true, but it didn't stop him from feeling terrible. He willed his memory to return faster, to get to college, so he could start remembering what he and the surgeon had been through together.

"I'm almost up to high school," he told Elliot, flipping a jack onto the growing pile of cards between them.

"Oh yeah?" Elliot replied, flipping a card over, then making a triumphant sound when it was a queen.

"Yeah," JD said, flipping two cards over and groaning when they revealed a 2 and a 7. Elliot smirked as she took the stack and reshuffled her deck. "I think I was a nerd."

"You ended up in med school," Elliot reminded him, flipping down a new card (ten of spades). "That's kind of a given, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, I guess," JD replied, flipping one after her (six of clubs). "If nothing else, it means I'm pretty brainy. Unless I'm like that Doug guy who came in earlier." He frowned. "Is he always that nervous, or is it just because of my memory thing?"

"Oh, no, he's always that nervous. Dr. Cox calls him Nervous Guy. Or Pee Pants, depending on what sort of mood he's in." Elliot slapped the deck when she flipped a six of hearts. JD slapped down a moment too late, and she laughed, sticking her tongue out.

"Snooze you lose!" she crowed.

JD laughed, rolling his eyes. "At least I remembered the important things," he said dryly--for some reason, he'd remembered the rules to just about every card game she'd suggested. "I don't know my birthday or my best friend's name, but damn it, I can still play cards."

"You're losing," Elliot reminded him.

"Shut up."

She giggled, and flipped a new card. "We can do something else, if you want," she suggested.

"Elliot? What's the deal with Dr. Cox?"

She looked up at him, frowning. "What do you mean?"

JD bit his lip. "He... well, he's in here all the time, you know? And he's taking care of me, and everything, but... I don't know. I get the impression that's... well, does he do that for all his patients, or something?"

Elliot made a face. "He's a good doctor, if that's what you mean, but... no, he doesn't. I mean, not to the point of staying with them on his days off and after his shifts are over. Not unless they're critical."

JD frowned at the pile of cards, forgetting to flip one even though it was his turn. "What...I mean, how do I know him?" he asked finally. "I get that I work with him, but... it seems like it's more than that, somehow." He didn't want to admit that it almost felt like they'd been a couple--he was sure Dr. Cox would have told him, if that were the case, and after all, he'd said he wasn't dating anyone. JD had no reason to doubt him. But he couldn't deny there was an attraction there, at least on his part, and if the glances he'd caught Cox giving him were any indication, then there might be one on his part, too.

Elliot tilted her head, a bemused expression on her face. "Well, he's an attending here," she said slowly. "He's our attending, actually--which means he's our teacher--so we both see a lot of him. You're kind of obsessed with him, actually."

JD's eyes widened, and he felt himself flushing a little. "O-obsessed?" he stammered, wondering if his crush was common knowledge already.

Elliot shrugged, nudging his hand; he started and flipped a card, but didn't even glance at it. "Well, yeah," she said. "You're always like... chasing after him, trying to get him to admit he's your mentor, trying to get him to give you a compliment..."

"Is it that difficult?" JD asked, watching as she flipped the jack of diamonds. He flipped a card--a seven of hearts--and watched as she scooped up the pile.

Elliot snorted again. "To get a compliment from _him?_ I don't think the man knows what a compliment _is._ "

"Really?" JD started to flip a new card, but stopped when Elliot gave him a look, reminding him it wasn't his turn. "He doesn't seem... I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy... a little closed-off, maybe, but..."

"JD, trust me on this one," she said, watching as he placed his last card on the deck--an ace. She began to play her obligatory four cards, but came up with a king on the third flip, and scooped the remainder of the deck into her hand. "Dr. Cox is about the biggest jerk ever to walk through these halls. Oh, sure, he's a good doctor, and I'm sure he's being all nice to you now because he feels sorry for you, but when your memory comes back, you'll know what I mean." She held up the deck. "Want to play again?"

"I... no, thanks, Elliot, I think I want to get some sleep," JD replied after a moment, trying to absorb this new information that so directly countered what he'd come to believe about the older doctor. "Percocet's kicking in, you know."

Elliot looked at him for a moment. "JD, I'm not trying to turn you against him or anything," she said softly. "He does seem to care about you, I'm not denying that. But... I don't want you thinking he's some sugarcoated, softhearted guardian angel or something. He's... well, he's Dr. Cox." She shrugged, looking a little helpless.

JD nodded, giving her a tight smile. "Yeah, I got it," he said. "I believe you, Elliot, I... I really am just getting tired," he finished lamely.

She shrugged, sliding off the bed and adjusting her scrubs. "All right," she agreed. "But just... don't say I didn't warn you, okay?"

"All right, all right," JD said, sliding down in bed and tugging the blankets up around his chin. "See you later, Elliot."

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "Bye, JD."

Then she was gone, leaving the room and closing the door behind her softly. JD watched her go, a frown on his face as soon as she left.

 _Biggest jerk ever to walk these halls?_ How could _that_ be true? Dr. Cox had been nothing if not supportive and concerned, and of all his so-called friends, Cox had been there more than any of the others. Hell, his supposed best friend had only managed to visit him twice, and each time he'd left JD feeling worse than ever for not remembering him. Carla had been in a few times to apologize for him, to try to explain how hard it was for Turk--"He feels like his best friend has died, and you're this stranger, you know?"--but that had only made him feel worse, of course.

And Elliot had been great, true, but even she hadn't been there as often as Dr. Cox, and she had a habit of forgetting what he didn't know and going off on tangents he couldn't follow because of it. Not her fault, perhaps, but still difficult for him, because he'd have to interrupt her and remind her gently he didn't know what she was talking about, and that was always embarrassing for them both.

Only Cox seemed to be able to walk that line of knowing what he did and didn't remember, and of making him feel okay about it at the same time. Cox was the one who made JD feel good about remembering little, insignificant things--like the fact that he usually bought Jiff brand peanut butter, or that his father was an office supply salesman. He was the one who spent hours just talking to JD before and after his shifts (and during, when he could), helping him sort out the strange images and vague snatches of thought that occasionally surfaced in the thick fog that was JD's memory.

 _And I'm supposed to believe he's the jerk?_ JD frowned, then shook his head slowly. Maybe it was true, and maybe it wasn't. He didn't think Elliot would lie to him, anyway, and Cox had made several references to being disliked around here. But... well, actions spoke louder than words, after all, and JD was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 _Innocent until proven guilty_ , he thought, settling back into the pillow and staring blankly at the clock on the wall. Cox's shift ended in an hour, and he'd promised to bring JD Chinese carry out (JD'd been craving beef and broccoli, for some reason).

 _Biggest jerk, my ass,_ he thought with a smirk. _If he's the biggest jerk, then this hospital must be run by saints._

* * *

Though he wasn't actually tired when he'd asked Elliot to leave, he had almost nodded off again by the time Cox came back.

The sound of the door opening roused him from his half doze, and he blinked, a smile crossing his face as he saw the older man walk into the room, carry-out cartons in one hand and plastic bag in the other. "Hey," Cox said softly. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

"You did, but I'm glad," JD replied. "I'm starved." He pushed himself up in bed, inhaling deeply, catching the tantalizing scents wafting from the cartons.

"I can help you there," Cox said with a grin. He moved forward and deposited the cartons one by one on JD's rollaway bedside table, adjusting it so it would be of a reasonable height for him too, then settling down in the chair next to the bed. "You use chopsticks or utensils?" Cox asked. "Because I brought both."

JD shrugged. "Beats me. Hand over the chopsticks, and I guess we'll find out." He remembered Elliot's words again, watching Cox as he started opening containers. She hadn't lied to him about anything, but how could she be right?

"All right, but be careful, because I didn't bring a bib," Cox said, giving JD a wink. He dumped some rice onto the paper plates he'd been carrying in the bag at his side, and dished out some beef and broccoli on top of it. These he handed to JD, along with a paper package of chopsticks.

JD giggled, and took the chopsticks, frowning a little before breaking them apart, watching how Cox held his pair. But once they were in his hand, he proved to have no trouble. "Okay, add that to the list of things I do know..."

For a time they ate in silence. JD relished the meal like he had no other since waking up--hospital food just wasn't the same as real food, and even though it was just Chinese carryout, it tasted like heaven. He rather suspected Cox hadn't stopped at any old Chinese restaurant, either; this was _good_.

But as Cox handed him a fortune cookie, the older doctor broke the silence. "Listen, I was talking to the neurologist, and he said your CT scan looks fine. We're planning to discharge you tomorrow morning."

JD set the cookie down, suddenly feeling a little sick. "T-tomorrow?" He blushed when he stumbled over the word. "I suppose that's good..."

"It should be," Cox said, unwrapping his cookie and snapping it open. "But from the look on your face I'm betting you're thinking it's not, am I right?"

"Well...getting out of here would be nice," JD admitted slowly. "But...oh hell, this is going to sound awful." He let out a long breath, gradually breaking the fortune cookie into smaller and smaller pieces. "I live with Turk, right? I don't...I mean I don't think I can...God, I'm pathetic. I don't know if I can handle it. Especially not if I need help with something...he's so weirded out by me now."

Cox frowned, considering. "You two haven't made any more progress, huh?" he said softly.

"Carla told me he feels like his best friend died, and I'm some stranger who looks like him," JD said softly, not looking up.

He heard Cox's sympathetic hiss. "That's not good," he murmured. "What about Elliot? Maybe you could stay with her."

"Her place is a one bedroom." JD bit his lip. He knew what he wanted, but after Elliot's protests earlier...well, what the hell? Worst thing that could happen was he'd say no. "What about..." He trailed off, unable to make himself say it.

Cox frowned, leaning forward. "What?" he said. "Newbie, what about what?"

"Could I stay with you? If you have room?" JD couldn't bring himself to look up. "I mean...you've been better than anyone else, and I know it's a huge favor, and I understand if I can't, but..."

"JD," Cox cut him off, and JD felt himself flush, recognizing the tone as one of regret.

"Never mind," he said quickly, trying to laugh, but the sound came out rather weakly. "It was a stupid thing to ask, and I shouldn't have--I mean, I don't want to impose--"

" _JD_ ," Cox interrupted again, reaching out and laying a hand over JD's. "If you'd let me get a word in edgewise?"

"I... yeah," JD murmured, staring at the hand that covered his. "Sorry."

Cox drew a deep breath. "JD, listen... I feel like I haven't exactly been honest with you, here."

"Oh?" JD kept staring at the other man's hand, trying not to think about how warm it was. "How?"

"Well, I... this... this isn't exactly how you and I usually interact," he said softly.

JD smiled wryly. "Elliot told me you're my attending. She said you're a jerk, too, but...I don't see it. You're...you're the only person I've talked to since I woke up that I feel comfortable with. You don't make me feel like you're expecting something, you don't keep talking about things I don't remember...But it _was_ too big a thing to ask. I'm sorry."

"Let's clear one thing up right now," Cox said, pulling back and releasing JD's hand, much to JD's disappointment. "I _am_ a jerk. Elliot wasn't lying to you. I'm a grade-A, first class asshole, and as soon as you remember that, you're going to laugh at yourself for ever wanting to stay with me. But..." he hesitated, looking down. "But if it's what you want, well... I do have an extra room."

"If you're an asshole, why are you doing so much for me?" JD asked softly, wondering at the bitterness in the other man's voice as he described himself. "And it _is_ what I want. It shouldn't be for long, I'm getting things from high school, now."

Cox snorted. "Then maybe by tomorrow you'll be up to college and Gandhi will stop giving you the guilt trip," he said with a shrug. "Then you won't be reduced to thinking _I'm_ your best bet."

"Dr. Cox..." JD bit his lip again. "Look, you're right, I can't promise things won't change when the rest of my memory comes back, but right now...You are my first choice. Maybe you've been an asshole to everyone else here, but you haven't been to me at all in the past few days, and it means a lot."

Cox closed his eyes briefly, but nodded, giving JD a forced-looking smile when he opened them again. "Fair enough," he murmured. "All right, then. I'll clean out the guest room when I get home tonight, and switch shifts so I can get you settled in tomorrow. Though..." he hesitated. "I have to warn you. Your friends aren't going to like you moving in with me. Apart from Carla, they can't stand me." He smirked ruefully. "And Carla can only stand me on a _good_ day."

"They don't have anything to say about it," JD replied, though he smiled a little. "Turk and Carla especially. I can't keep...I can't be somewhere where I feel like I'm being _blamed_ for not remembering. I didn't do this on purpose..." His smile grew slightly. "And if it helps, Elliot said they couldn't understand why I liked you before all this, too. But apparently I did."

Cox's face showed his disbelief, but he only shrugged. "All right, then," he said. "Carmichael did say the best environment for you would be one where you didn't feel pressured. If you... if you really think it's best, that's what we'll do."

"I do. And...thank you, Dr. Cox." JD paused, brow furrowing. "What's your first name? Or would you rather I didn't use it?"

"I... no, I don't mind," Cox said slowly. "Actually, it makes sense, if you're going to stay with me. It's Perry."

"Perry?" JD smiled, liking the way it felt on his tongue. He knew he'd said it before, but not often. And couldn't remember the context, just that the syllables fit easily in his mouth. "All right then. I guess...I should ask Carla to get some of my stuff together."

Cox--Perry--nodded. "I... yeah. I'll let her know, if you like." He grinned crookedly. "She'll come try to talk you out of it, though."

"She'll do that anyway," JD replied, returning the grin. "But if you couldn't, what chance does she have?"

Perry made a face. "Carla can be... persuasive," he said softly. "But if you still want to move in after all her horror stories, then... well. Then you can stay with me, until you feel comfortable at your place again." He stood, shaking his head slowly. "But don't say I didn't warn you, okay?" he murmured. "When your memory comes back you're going to think I should've had you committed the moment you asked."

JD resolved to ask someone what Cox-- _Perry_ \--could've done to him that would make him regret things so much. "Then thank you for taking the chance that I'm not insane, too. And thanks again for the food," he added, hoping to steer the conversation back to something less likely to make Perry insult himself.

"Don't mention it," the older doctor said, grinning. "And I am going to get going. Expect Carla in here telling you you're insane in about..." he glanced at the wall clock. "Oh, five or ten minutes, depending on how quickly I find her." He winked. "See you tomorrow, Newbie."

"I'll time her. See you tomorrow, Perry. Thanks again." JD smiled to himself as Perry cleaned up the trash from their dinner and took off. Moving in together without even a first date...He couldn't help giggling at the idea, even as he kept one eye on the clock, waiting for Carla.

* * *

 _Well, Perry. You’ve really done it this time._

Perry closed his eyes and shook his head, tapping his steering wheel as he pulled out of the parking lot. He’d been hearing it—both in his head and from Carla, when he’d spoken briefly to her—ever since he’d left JD’s room.

 _What the hell do you think you’re doing? Jesus Christ, you’re_ falling _for him, aren’t you? And what,_ precisely _, do you think is going to come of it? When he remembers who you really are to him, and realizes you’ve been acting like some happy hippie on Prozac for the last few days? What then, huh?_

He’d been pretty powerless to answer those questions—or even Carla’s more general, “What the hell do you think you’re _doing_?”—but that hadn’t seemed to deter them.

In truth, he wasn't sure. He knew he hadn't been acting... well, the way he normally did. Not around JD, anyway. And he wasn't entirely sure it was just the fact that the kid had amnesia. He'd been so grateful, at first, that the kid was _alive_ that he hadn't even felt the urge to put up his normal front. He'd started to, when JD'd woken up, but then JD hadn't remembered them; he'd decided he could play nice at least for awhile, but it had just... stuck.

It was strange. Even when he'd been with Jordan and was _almost_ happy, he'd still picked fights with her. So why wasn't he doing that now?

He scowled. _It doesn't matter. Carla's going to tell him what an ass you are. He’s going to change his mind. You’re going to walk into that room and he’s going to give you some funny look and say he’s thought about it and decided being in a familiar environment would be best, but thanks anyway._

“Shut up,” he muttered, shaking his head again.

 _Why? What’s the matter, Perry boy? Can’t take the truth? He’s going to remember who you really are at some point. Then he’s either going to think you’ve been playing him for a fool this whole time for your own sick, twisted amusement, or he’s going to realize you’re completely smitten, and either way he’s going to want out, and fast, and what then?_

“Shut the fuck _up._ ”

 _Now you’re talking to yourself. Brilliant. You’re sick_ and _you’re crazy. Isn’t JD a lucky guy?_

He swallowed, gritting his teeth as he drove down the dark, deserted streets toward his dark, deserted apartment. _Dark and Deserted: The Perry Cox Story._

He sighed.

Okay, so it wasn’t the best decision he’d ever made. But the kid had _asked._ Perry hadn’t even brought it up. It wasn’t like he could just say no, was it?

 _Why the hell not? Just Say No. They teach that to kindergarteners, Perry, and you’re a_ doctor. _What’s the matter? Little self-restraint beyond you?_

Well, it wasn’t like he had much to worry about anyway, right? Carla would convince JD this was a mistake, and he’d end up back at home and it wouldn’t matter. Oh, he’d be embarrassed, sure, but hell, it wasn’t like that was anything new. He was Perry Cox—he was an _expert_ at people leaving.

He’d done it himself a time or two.

He pulled into his apartment’s lot and parked, turning off the engine to his Porsche, but he didn’t leave it right away. He lowered his head to the steering wheel, trying to stop the pounding in his skull.

 _My God… this is such a mess._

Well, it was, but he’d gotten himself into it. He’d made his bed, and now he’d have to lie in it.

Or let JD lie in it, as it were.

 _Do not_ even _go there, you sick bastard._

He almost grinned. Almost.

Stepping out of his car, he locked the doors, then headed toward his apartment to clean out the guest bedroom.

* * *

Eight minutes. "Bambi, are you _crazy_?" She started talking even before the door was all the way open. "Why aren't you coming home?"

"Technically, I don't think amnesia counts as insanity, so to answer your first question, no," JD replied evenly. "To answer your second: I'm not going to Turk's place because I can't handle it right now."

Carla folded her arms. "And why is _that_?" she snapped. "Don't you know he misses you?"

"No, he doesn't," JD replied, voice still soft. "He misses his best friend, and I don't blame him, but he doesn't miss _me_ , not so long as I don't remember him. Carla, he's been in here twice, the last time for less than ten minutes, and I felt like ass by the time he left. I can't deal with that at home. Can't deal with him looking at me like...like I'm hurting him on purpose. I don't know how to act around him, he doesn't know how to act around me, and I just can't deal with that pressure right now."

Carla opened her mouth to argue, but after a moment simply made a frustrated noise. "Okay," she said. "Okay, you're right. He misses someone you aren't right now, and he's sorry for that. But Bambi--he's trying. He really is. You just have to give him a chance."

"I will. I promise. But I'm not staying with you guys."

Carla's jaw dropped, and she folded her arms across her chest. "Just like that?" she said, voice dangerous. "Just like that you'll throw away everything we've done for you?"

"Carla..." JD pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "Can't you look at this from my perspective? I don't _know_ you. Either of you, but Turk even less. Perry at least has been in here and talking to me for hours, every day. I feel comfortable around him, he doesn't keep expecting me to be someone I'm not. Or at least he doesn't tell me, if he does."

" _Perry?_ " Carla sputtered incredulously. "So what, you two are best buddies now? After the way he's treated you? Bambi, who the hell are you going to trust? Your best friend, or the guy who wouldn't give you the time of day if he worked in a watch factory? Because that's who Dr. Cox is, no matter what kind of sweet-guy act he's trying to put on for you now."

"Look, he told me he's an asshole, okay? Everyone's told me he's an asshole. But he hasn't acted like it for a second with me. He's been taking care of me, doing everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable, keeps telling me not to blame myself when I can't remember something..." JD shook his head. " _He_ 's not the one acting like an asshole. My 'best friend' can't stand to be in the same room as me. I'm sure as hell not comfortable asking him for help, when I can't remember how to do some stupid little thing everyone knows. I'm sorry, Carla, I know I'm making everyone feel weird, and I really, really wish I wasn't, but..." He trailed off, biting the inside of his lip. He wasn't going to break down in front of her.

"He's treated you like dirt from day one, and I'm not going to argue that he obviously does care about you, but you have to know it can't last," Carla said, voice softening a little. "Bambi... Turk has been there for everything, and Dr. Cox refuses to even let you into his apartment most of the time. And now he's going to let you _stay_?" She bit her lip, looking away, clearly blinking back frustrated tears of her own. "I just... I don't like it, and I really don't want to see you get hurt. I'm afraid that's what's going to happen."

"He tried to talk me out of it, too," JD offered after a moment. "Not 'cause he didn't want me there, because he thought I wouldn't really want to, either. Told me he was a jerk, and an asshole, and if I was myself, I'd never even consider it. But...I don't know, Carla. I _like_ him. And I trust him. And if I've hardly been in his apartment, I don't have to feel bad every time I don't remember something about it."

Carla stared at him for a moment, clearly trying to find a way to argue, but finally she slumped. "All right, Bambi, all right," she sighed. "I won't try to talk you out of it anymore, but... just don't say we didn't warn you, when you snap out of this and suddenly realize we were right."

JD smiled slightly. "Guess I shouldn't hope you're not the 'told you so' type, huh? If it happens, I'll buy you all dinner, all right? And I do want to try and get to know you guys, if this lasts for a while...but I'm about up to high school, so hopefully the last ten years will fill in pretty quick. I hope so, anyway."

Carla sighed. "I hope so too," she murmured. "And I'll... I'll pack some clothes for you and bring them in tomorrow morning, I guess."

"Thank you." JD ran a hand back through his hair, making a face at it. It'd been bothering him all day, but he wasn't sure why. "I'm sorry, Carla. I really am. I wish I could remember..."

She smiled, sadly. "You will," she said. "I just hope it's sooner rather than later." She turned to go, but paused in the doorway. "And Bambi... you can come home anytime you want, okay?"

"Thank you. I'll get someone to tell me where it is..." JD offered her a grin, but she didn't seem willing to take the joke, just shook her head and left. _God, I don't even want to_ think _about Turk's reaction to all this..._

Something told him Carla would tell him, though. At length. He sighed, trying to put it from his mind, and curled on his side with his back away from the door. Tomorrow he'd be getting out of here. And he'd be going home with Perry. He smiled, hugging his pillow; that pleasant thought in mind, it was almost easy to fall asleep again.

* * *

JD was alone when he woke up the next morning, but then, it _was_ pretty early. He lay where he was, watching the clock tick, wondering why Carla was so sure he'd made the wrong decision. He didn't think he had...and only hoped he'd still think so when the rest of his memory came back. He closed his eyes, taking stock, but aside from some painful images from what he guessed was prom, there was nothing new.

He was still thinking things over, brow furrowed, when the door opened.

He turned and saw Perry peering into the room, looking a little hesitant. "Newbie? You awake?"

JD smiled, sitting up. "Yeah. Morning..."

Perry was wearing street clothes again: a blue button-up shirt he'd rolled to his elbows, and another pair of blue jeans. He was watching JD's face, his own a little guarded. "So?" he said. "What's the verdict? Carla talk you out of it?"

JD almost smiled again. "Of course not. I told you she wouldn't. We're just waiting for her to drop off some clothes and things for me, I think, if all the discharge stuff is ready. You did clean out the guest room, right?" he added, letting a slight grin peek through.

Perry looked so surprised that JD was half-tempted to give him a hug. "I... yeah, I did," he said, blinking a few times and brushing a hand absently through his hair. "You really--I mean, didn't she give you all the, you know... the horrible Cox stories?"

"Yeah. You must really work at the asshole thing...you have everyone completely convinced." JD would've been tempted to laugh at how astonished Perry was, if it hadn't been so bittersweet. "She's mad, but..." He shrugged. "I need to do what's best for me, right? And that's staying with you."

Perry simply blinked again. "I... well. If you--if you really still think that's true, then..." He shrugged, grinning a little shyly. "Mi casa es su casa."

"Gracias," JD replied automatically, returning the smile, then blinked. "I don't speak Spanish, do I?" He shook his head. "Never mind. And yeah, I'm sure about it."

"I... okay, then," Perry said. He ran his hand through his hair again. "Well, I--I switched shifts with Dr. Mickhead. He's going to cover the rest of today and tomorrow for me, and I'm going to work for him over Christmas. I figure that'll give us time to get you settled in. Are you hungry?"

"Mickhead? Oh God, that's an unfortunate name..." JD shook his head, trying not to giggle. Though hearing Perry'd given up his Christmas for him...wow. "And yeah, I'm starved. What's your place like? How're we getting there?" He'd gotten more comfortable asking multitudes of questions, since Perry seemed willing to answer them.

"Mickhead's an unfortunate man, my place is more or less like any other bachelor pad you'll ever find, meaning it's stocked with more hard liquor than food, we're getting there in my car when you've got something to wear that is a little less... _revealing_... and I thought we could go grab some breakfast first, which is why I asked," Perry returned without missing a beat. JD had to grin--clearly this man really was used to him.

"Real food? I'm there." JD stretched, hoping Carla would hurry up. Even if he'd probably get a lecture when she arrived. "Perry...thank you. For everything."

"Don't sweat it, kid," Perry responded, moving to flop down into the chair next to JD. "I've filled out your discharge summary, so you'll be good to go as soon as Carla brings your bag. Hospital policy requires we take you down to the lobby in a wheelchair, but just think of it as a free ride." He grinned.

JD smiled, opening his mouth to reply about getting a lot of those lately when the door opened and Carla stepped in, duffle bag in hand.

The effect on Perry was immediate. The easy grin slipped from his face and he looked down, ears turning faintly red. "Good morning, Carla," he said softly.

JD raised an eyebrow, looking back and forth between them, but shrugged to himself. "Morning, Carla. Thanks for getting my stuff..."

"So you're still doing this?" Carla asked, dropping the bag on a chair. "Bambi, if you could've seen Turk's face last night..."

"Carla...drop it," JD interrupted her quietly. "I'm sorry, but yeah, I'm still doing this. Tell Turk if he wants to come over and hang, he knows where I'll be."

She drew a breath through flared nostrils, then turned to Perry. "You're really something else, you know it?" she hissed. "We're his _family_ , damn it--"

And JD had finally had enough. "Perry didn't ask me to stay with him, I asked if I could. And if you're supposed to be my family, then start thinking about _me_ , and not so much about yourselves," he snapped back, tired of the whole thing. "I don't need to hear how hard this is for Turk anymore, all right? Because it's sure as hell harder for me. And Perry gets that."

Carla stared at him, then turned and stormed out of the room without a word. JD shut his eyes, rubbing at them, frustrated.

"I... JD, she's got a point," he heard Perry say softly; he looked up and saw the older man leaning forward in his chair, elbows braced on his knees, staring at his clasped hands. "You're much closer to them, and the familiar surroundings might--"

"Might drive me fucking insane within a day," JD retorted, before sighing softly. "Look, if you don't want me at your place, I can understand that. But it's where I want to be, so if you think I'm just waiting to change my mind...I'm not going to. Especially after what she's pulled over this. I lost memories, not IQ points."

"That's just Carla," Perry replied softly, though JD was pleased to see a small smile cross the other man's face. "She does that to everyone." Then he looked up. "All right," he said. "If you're really sure, I won't keep asking. And since you've got your clothes, I'll step out so you can get changed, and we can get the hell out of here."

"Not a moment too soon," JD replied, pushing away an urge to tell Perry he didn't have to leave. He had a feeling, from the glances he'd been getting, that the other man would enjoy the view, but...still. He should work up to it.

Perry nodded, stepping out of the room to hail an orderly with a wheelchair.

JD got out of bed, still moving a bit slower than he'd like, thanks to his ribs and a bit of lingering weakness from so much time spent lying down. He dug into the bag, finding jeans and an array of short and long sleeved shirts. And right on top, a tin of hair wax. He blinked, and stared at it for a long moment. "What the...?" He set it aside, shaking his head and getting dressed, frowning again at the scar on his belly. He'd have to ask when he'd gotten his appendix out, too.

When Perry came back in, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing jeans and a long sleeved white shirt with a dark green t-shirt over it, holding the hair wax and staring at it. "I think Carla tossed in some of her own stuff by mistake..."

Perry, to JD's surprise, suddenly started laughing. He frowned, wondering if there was some joke he was missing. "Uh--what's so funny?"

Perry was shaking his head, trying to get his laughter under control. "Just... trust me, Newbie," he managed finally, wiping at his tears. "That's yours."

" _Mine_? What the fuck do I use it for?" JD stared at the little tin in horror, only slightly overplayed to make Perry laugh again.

It worked. Perry actually had to sit down, and by the time he could breathe again, JD was laughing too, out of sheer amusement. "Remember when I said you were girly?" Perry managed. He nodded toward the can. "Case in point."

JD shook his head, dropping the tin in the bag and zipping it closed. "Yeah...I can't argue with you over that. Hair product. No wonder Dan could always kick my ass..." He finally stopped giggling, running a hand back through his hair. "Well...I'm ready. Let's get the hell out of here."

* * *

Perry had a _Porsche_. Looking at the sleek lines of the little car almost drove the memory of the trip out of the hospital from JD's mind. His fingers skimmed the side, before Perry unlocked it, and he grinned to himself. He'd wanted a Porsche in high school, and had ended up with an older Volvo clunker...

Which, to his own astonishment, he saw parked a few spaces down. Malik, looking even more like hell than when he'd gotten him. "That's my car..."

Perry looked over, and nodded. "Yeah. Gandhi drives it more than you do. How long have you had it?"

"Oh." JD blinked, settling back in the seat. He didn't want to think about Turk. "I got him...it, when I was seventeen. Birthday present thanks to my mom's then husband...He was a used car salesman."

"Him? What's its name, Newbie?"

JD blushed. "Malik. After this kid at school...He was on the track team, and kept getting hurt, but kept running every week anyway...That car broke down four times the first three months I had it. Hasn't since, though, not seriously." He paused, going back over his last sentence, and laughed humorlessly. "Fuck, I remember my car's history, and not my best friend..."

"You'll get there," Perry assured him quietly. "Give it time. If you remember Malik then you're only about a year or so away from remembering Turk."

"I... yeah," JD said, biting his lip as Perry started the engine and put the car in gear, backing up. He didn't want to say it, but the flow of returning memory had begun to slow down; he could remember snatches of prom, and a few vague moments from graduation, but after that... nothing. "Hey, Perry?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it...well, is it normal to have... more difficulty with the more recent memories?" he glanced at the older man quickly, but Perry's face remained unchanged.

"Usually only if there's some kind of trauma--a memory you're avoiding," he replied. "But complete retrograde amnesia's so rare that all we really have are a few individual case studies. Nothing we can make any broad statistical claims about." He gave JD a sympathetic look. "Sorry, kid," he said. "There's no 'normal' about this one. We'll just have to figure it out as we go, I guess."

"Great." JD looked out the window, up at the hospital where he'd apparently spent the past year. He could've sworn he was seeing the outside of it for the first time.

It was only about five minutes before Perry turned into a parking lot. JD looked at him, mildly surprised. "You live this close to the hospital?"

Perry parked and shut off the car's engine, giving JD a grin. "You live about the same distance away in the other direction," he said. "I hate to break it to you, kid, but you and I both spend most of our waking hours in that place."

JD shrugged. "It's what doctors do, right? Least I know now I always wanted to be one...Is breakfast out?"

"Nah, we're dropping your stuff off," Perry replied, unhooking his seatbelt and opening his door. "Coming up, or do you want to wait out here?"

JD hesitated, and then shook his head. "I'll wait," he said. "Won't want to leave again when I get up there, and I'm hungry. But thanks..." And while Perry ran his duffle upstairs, JD stared out the window, trying to let his mind wander enough to come up with something new. The past few days it'd worked. He'd let his thoughts go where they would, and he'd find them following link after link, down chains of old memories. But now...nothing new, just rehashing of things he'd already rediscovered. He couldn't even remember which college he'd gone to, much less his roommate.

He was leaning back in the seat by the time Perry returned, his eyes closed, brow furrowed. How was he ever going to fix things, if he couldn't remember them? Turk didn't seem interested in trying again...

As if on cue, when the older doctor climbed back into the car, he said, "I figured I'd take you to this little diner nearby--you and Gandhi are pretty fond of the place, so at least we'll know you'll like it, and maybe it'll help jog your memory a bit." Then, catching the look on JD's face at the mention of his friend, he paused, frowning. "Or we could go somewhere else...?"

JD managed a wry smile. "No, that's fine. I was just feeling guilty again. I haven't...still haven't remembered anything past high school, and that's all been pretty vague. But I know I like diner food..."

"It'll come to you," Perry said again, putting the Porsche into gear and backing out of the spot. "And Gandhi will get over himself soon enough and realize that avoiding your or making you feel worse about this is probably making it harder for you to remember."

"I hope so," JD murmured.

* * *

Breakfast was delicious. JD wasn't sure if it was because, apart from the one time Perry'd brought him Chinese, he'd only had hospital food for the last five days, or if it was the sheer relief of being able to forget (no pun intended) about his problems for an hour or so.

Of course, it might have also been because he was famished. He polished off a large pancake plate and a side of bacon and eggs easily before finally settling back with coffee, while across the table, Perry poked at the remains of his biscuits and gravy and watched him with a mildly amused look on his face.

Conversation had been light, easy. Perry hadn't brought up the amnesia, hadn't asked him if he remembered the diner--hadn't, in fact, done much more than make sure he'd gotten his fill, before settling back and letting JD take control of the conversation.

And he had. He'd yammered, between syrup-soaked bites, about everything that came to his mind. Given how shaky his memory was, he was surprised he was able to come up with so many topics, but Perry was listening, watching him intently, and for some reason that made JD want to keep talking.

When they both finally finished, JD wrapped his hands around his coffee mug and, hesitantly, broached the question that had been nagging the back of his mind for days now. "Dr. C--Perry?"

Perry heard the change in his voice and lifted an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

JD looked down, feeling slightly embarrassed, but knowing he had to ask. It was rather important he know, before he... well. Before he got his hopes up otherwise, anyway. "Are you... I mean, are you seeing anyone?" He realized how that sounded when Perry's eyes widened a little, and he hurried on: "I mean, you mentioned an ex-wife, so I was just... curious. You know--seeing anyone? Have any kids? That sort of thing..." Shit! Open mouth, insert foot. He knew he was beet red, and looked down into his coffee mug, watching the lukewarm dregs swirl in a slow, lazy circle.

"No," Perry said softly. "I'm not. And no, no kids either."

At least it was a good answer. JD'd decided he wanted the older man, not caring if he was supposed to like guys or not, and now there was a chance. He hoped. But still... "Oh. Okay. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be in the way if you had someone over...or something like that. But I guess not. Uh." Damn, why'd he wait to ask until he was out of food to shove in his mouth?

"No," Perry said lightly, and now there was a definite note of amusement in his voice. "You won't be in the way."

JD's blush deepened, and he drained the rest of his coffee, shuddering as it went down. "Good. So..." He searched around for a subject change, but nothing came to mind. He couldn't help sighing in relief when their rather attractive waitress brought the check.

She smiled at him. "Where's your friend?"

JD blinked at her, checking the nametag. "Jenny." Well, Perry had said he came here often...and she must mean Turk. "He had to work this morning," he offered after a second, hoping the hesitation wasn't noticeable.

She merely nodded, and headed off again as Perry dropped his debit card on the bill, but JD frowned after her. How many people were going to come up to him expecting him to know who they were? At least his blush had faded...

"You're a bit of a flirt," Perry said after a minute.

JD's head whipped around, eyes wide. "I'm--what?"

"With her," Perry clarified quickly, again biting back an amused smile at JD's flabbergasted look. "You and Turk flirt with her when you come here."

"How do _you_ know that?" JD asked, watching her at the register, still blushing a little. Well, she was hot, he didn't blame them, but...

"There's not much you don't feel compelled to share with me, Newbie," Perry told him, settling back, unable to keep the smirk from crossing his face. "Despite my best efforts."

"Well, at least that hasn't changed," JD replied, grinning slightly. He'd told Perry he flirted with a diner waitress? Why? Oh well, least it meant Perry could tell him, now. So, not to be proven wrong, he smiled at her when she came back. "Thank you, Jenny."

She dimpled for him. "You're welcome. Take your time leaving."

JD laughed softly when she walked away. "Guess you're right."

Perry smiled at him again, though it was a little subdued this time. "I usually am, Newbie," he replied.

* * *

They returned to the apartment after that. Perry hadn't been lying about it being stocked with more liquor than food; JD raised an eyebrow at the older man, who cringed. "I'll run to the grocery store in a little while," he said. "I usually eat at the hospital, but I guess you'd appreciate having some food while you're here, huh?"

"Wouldn't mind it," JD replied, grinning. Then, grin slipping a little, he said, "Perry? What... what am I going to do for a job? For money?"

Perry glanced at him. "Right now, nothing," he said, sounding surprised. "Your memory'll return in time, JD, and until then there's not much you _can_ do, apart from doing your best to help it along."

"Okay..." JD frowned, looking around the obviously rarely used kitchen. "I'll pay you back when it does, though," he offered softly. "And I must have student loans or something to pay off. I should find out..." He didn't want to admit he wasn't remembering anything more recent than the end of high school, but it was starting to worry him, as easily as the rest had come back. What if it didn't? What would he do?

"You'll have to ask Carla about the loans," Perry said, tossing his keys onto the table. "But as for paying me back, don't even think about it. You're not costing me much, Newbie, and you've got bigger things to worry about."

"I won't argue with that," JD murmured softly, before shaking himself a little. "So where's my room? I should get unpacked, maybe take a nap..." He was tired, but mostly just wanted some time to lie down and not have to think. He found himself wondering if Perry had cable. Probably.

"Second door to your right down the hall," Perry replied, digging through the cabinets, taking stock of what food he did have. "First door's the bathroom, one on the end is the master bedroom. TV and stereo in the den." He glanced up at JD long enough to give him a smile. "Make yourself at home," he said.

"Thanks." JD offered him a smile and headed to the room. Big bed, a dresser, nothing else. He opened the closet, to find a few boxes in it, but also a collection of hangers. And his duffle bag was on the bed. "Home sweet home," he murmured to himself, opening the duffle and pulling things out. The clothes went into the dresser, though he hung a couple of the shirts up, and tossed the extra pair of shoes in the bottom of the closet. Clothes done, he emptied the rest of the bag, finding a laptop, a photo album, and a thick book.

He sank down onto the bed, opening the photo album, gut twisting a little. Perry'd been right about the hair product, at least...his hair was spiked up in every picture. And he was with Turk, with Elliot, with Carla...goofing off at the beach, at what looked like a barbeque, in an apartment he didn't recognize. Though the dog must be Rowdy...

 _I look like I'm having fun with them._ He bit his lip, wishing he could remember any of these events, remember a single moment with these people who'd obviously meant so much to him. He finally set the album aside, picking up the book instead.

It proved to be a journal. _His_ journal, he recognized the writing immediately. He set it aside, not reading further than _Dr. Cox was really riding my ass today_ in one entry, a funny feeling in his throat. He jumped a mile when Perry suddenly knocked and stuck his head in. "What?"

"Sorry to startle you," Perry said. "I just wanted to let you know I'm going to go ahead and get to the store. Anything in particular you want?"

"I, uh--no, thanks," JD said, running a hand through his hair and smiling what he prayed was a genuine smile. "Whatever you get I'll be good with."

Perry frowned at him. "You okay, JD?"

"I...yeah. Carla sent this along," JD lifted the photo album, "and it's just...weird. Believe you about the hair now, though." He hoped that'd be enough. He didn't want to read the journal, not when it'd have things in it that might as well have been written by a stranger.

Perry nodded. "Yeah, that's rough," he agreed. "But don't worry. You'll get there. And I"--he held up his keys--"will be back shortly."

"Okay," JD agreed, giving him another, more sincere, attempt at a smile. "See you."

* * *

Eventually, JD did take a nap, just to avoid the uncertainty the journal and the photo album had raised in him. He wanted to escape for a while, and didn't want to try and figure out how to make Perry's TV work. One look at the huge remote had sent him back to his room. He kicked off his shoes and curled up on top the blankets, a throw pulled around him, and he'd eventually fallen asleep, helped in part by the painkiller he'd taken for his still sore ribs.

But his sleep was far from restful. He dreamed, dreamed of the people in those pictures, dreamed he was watching them all, including himself, not knowing what was going on. It was a game, of some kind, one he instinctually knew he had to win, and no one would tell him the rules. He kept trying things, throwing a ball, answering questions, other bits over and over, but they just kept losing more and more points.

And then Turk was there, looking painfully disappointed. "You're doing this on purpose, dude, aren't you? Admit it."

"Turk, I don't know what you're talking about, just tell me how..."

"You already know, man. You just don't care..."

When JD finally forced himself awake, his heart was pounding and he could feel tears on his cheeks. He unwound himself from the throw that had tangled all around him and sat up, running a hand through his hair, grimacing at the cold sweat he could feel all over his body. Shaking himself and rubbing his arms, he gaze fell on the journal again. Maybe it'd help...

Before he'd fully decided he was going to read it, he had the thing in his hands, flipping it open near the middle.

 _September 3, 2001.  
Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything. Storms, sirens, you name it. Last night I didn't sleep. I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous. You see, today isn't just any other day. It's my first day._

JD raised his eyebrows a little, but kept reading about his first week at the hospital, how worried he was Turk wasn't going to move into the same apartment with him, and how Dr. Cox was kind of a hard to get to know, but was an incredible doctor. And that Elliot was _fine_ , even if she was too competitive. He found himself smiling a little, at his own writing. It was an entertaining style, at least, even if he didn't remember anything being described.

He flipped further back, finding entries about med school, putting in applications for internships, finals, getting the one at Sacred Heart, hangovers... Not many girls, though. And again, it was a good read, but didn't make anything flash in his head.

He'd almost given up on it, when he flipped to toward the end.

 _I don't think Dr. Cox knows what he means to the hospital. I'm sure he doesn't know what he means to me. I keep trying to tell him, at least the mentor part, but he likes to act like he doesn't care. Everyone thinks I'm naive for thinking he does. But he must. When he showed up and pulled me out drinking...Fuck, I wish I'd talked to him more. Followed up when he said he wasn't okay. He's not just a jerk, he's not the asshole he paints himself as, I_ know _it. I just have to figure out how to get him to let me in..._

 _But I probably never will. I'll be Sheila or Ginger or Carol until the day I die, to him. It's too bad. He has to be lonely...I know he told me not to try to save him, and it's not that I want to, exactly. I just wish I could tell him thank you, for everything he's done for me, tell him I like him, and not have him shut down because of it and insult me. Not because it hurts--though who am I kidding, sometimes it does, a lot--but because I think it'd be good for him, too. To just believe someone would stick around..._

 _Oh well. Only thing I can do_ is _stick around, no matter how much he tries to drive me away. I don't think he really wants to, anyway._

JD reread the entry several times, chewing on his bottom lip. All right, so maybe Perry had acted like an asshole to him in the past. He was still glad he was here, still glad he'd asked if he could stay. "And he's letting me in now, if only a little bit," he murmured, almost smiling. "Guess I found the way...Just forget him first, huh?"

Just then, he heard a key in the lock and tossed the journal aside, going to help with the groceries, his heart somehow lighter than it'd been before.

* * *

The next two weeks passed in a bit of a blur for JD. After the first few days off, Perry had to return to work; JD spent most of his time hanging out in the older doctor's apartment, watching his collection of DVDs (one good thing about amnesia, he decided, was that he'd not yet run across a movie he'd already seen, having forgotten even the ones from when he was a kid) and listening to music, and reading some of his other journals. Carla had brought them by the day after he'd arrived at Perry's place, obviously hoping to jar his memory a little faster; he'd thanked her, tentatively, and she'd given him a hug.

"I'm sorry, Bambi, I'm not trying to make you feel bad," she said softly. "I'm just trying to look out for you and for Turk, and it's hard, you know?"

JD had nodded, deciding it wouldn't be terribly productive to say if Turk wanted to stop being an ass and come _visit_ him, it would go a long way toward smoothing things over.

Instead, he'd just said thanks again, and Carla had smiled at him sadly, then left.

When he wasn't hanging out, he was usually taking walks--always careful to check his surroundings so he wouldn't get lost, of course. He'd unearthed his cell phone in the duffel bag Carla'd packed, and Perry had made sure he had both the older man's pager and cell number before agreeing to JD's suggestions about exploring the town.

Despite its unfamiliarity, though, JD found his feet most often knew where to take him--as long as he didn't think about it too hard--so he'd not yet had to call the older man off work to come pick him up. Thank heavens.

But despite this small victory, his memory had shown no other signs of improvement.

"We could take you back in for another CT scan, I suppose," Perry'd suggested one evening when JD had complained to him. "But I'm not sure what good it would do. Your scans have all come back normal, and Carmichael says it's just going to take time."

JD was definitely getting sick of that phrase. But he nodded, knowing there was no sense in taking out his frustrations on Perry.

Not _those_ frustrations, anyway. Because, once he'd learned that Perry was, in fact, single, he'd had a whole new set of them to start sorting out. He might not have known much about himself, sure, but he was a young, healthy male, and he'd formed an almost instant attachment to Perry. Adding that to the fact that he'd clearly been a little obsessed with him (half his journal entries from the time he'd started his internship on had been concerning the older man), well... JD's crush had grown to a full-blown attraction, and he was still getting subtle clues that it might be returned. Like the way he'd caught Perry staring, when he'd wandered in for breakfast without a t-shirt on. Or the way the older man would subtly go out of his way to touch JD--a brush of fingers while passing the salt, a casual bump on the arm when walking around him in the kitchen. Even letting their calves touch as they sprawled on Perry's couch watching a movie or a TV show.

Yes, JD was more than willing to hope his feelings were returned. And as the days passed, he began to develop a plan to try to bring them to fruition.

So of course, that was the day Turk came by to make amends.

JD very nearly groaned, when the knock came; he and Perry had been, as had become their after-dinner custom, sprawled on the couch (JD had managed to arrange the throw pillows that day so there'd be less cushion space than usual; this time, Perry's whole thigh had been pressed up against JD's and so far neither of them had made a move to correct that). Perry, for his part, looked irritated.

"Be right back," he told JD, standing up to answer. JD flipped the TV channels idly, waiting for the older man to return, pausing when he heard the unmistakable sound of a sitcom opening. _This should distract me..._

Perry, schooling the irritated scowl from his face, opened the door-- then raised his eyebrows when he realized who was on the other side. "You here to actually start acting like the friend you claim to be, Gandhi?" he said. "Or you just here to try to guilt him into not having amnesia anymore? Because I'll tell you right now, if it's the latter, you can turn your hippity-hopping ass right on around and scram."

Turk glared at him. "At least I'm being honest about this," he said. "I'm not trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not. Dude, maybe he'd start remembering things if you'd start acting like a Cox he'd recognize."

Perry didn't know what to say to that, so he simply glowered. "State your business," he snapped.

"I'd like to talk to JD, if it's not too much to ask," the surgeon replied, meeting Perry's glare. "Or are you busy trying to convince him you're the long-lost Grand Duchess Anastasia?"

Perry snarled, but stepped backwards and pulled the door open. "He's in the den," he said.

Turk stepped past him and saw JD sitting on Perry's couch, laughing at something on the TV. He could also see, sitting on the coffee table, two glasses of--Jesus, was that _wine_? "What are you, trying to seduce him or something?" Turk hissed, spinning around to stare incredulously at the older doctor. "You are a sick man--this is low even for _you._ "

"It's just wine, Gandhi," Perry growled, though he didn't quite meet Turk's eyes, staring instead at the coffee table where the offending wine sat. "Look, I'm... I'm going to take a walk," he said. "You can go talk to him"--

"Thanks for your _permission_."

\--"but if I come back and hear you've upset him, you can bet I'll be shoving my foot up that self-righteous ass of yours and doing a little _redecorating_."

Turk rolled his eyes as Perry snatched his keys and headed out the door, giving him one last glare. Then, closing the door, he walked hesitantly over toward the den.

"Who was that, Perry?" JD asked without looking up from the TV (which was playing, Turk noted with a pang, an old rerun of Sanford and Son).

"It's... it's me, dude," he said quietly.

JD looked up, expression carefully guarded. "Oh. Hey, Turk." He reached for the remote and turned the TV off. "What's up?"

"JD, I... I just came by to... well, to apologize," Turk said, clearly uncomfortable. "I know I haven't been there for you since...well, the past few weeks, and I've been really selfish about this whole thing, and I--I'm sorry."

"It has to have been really weird for you," JD offered, shifting around to face him a little more, though he didn't look up, just played with the hem of his t-shirt, pulling a loose thread and gradually unraveling it as he spoke. "I...Carla brought my journals over, and I've been reading them. Sounds like we have a lot of fun. I really do wish I could remember you..."

Turk nodded, shifting a little awkwardly. "Okay if I sit down?" When JD nodded, sliding over on the couch, Turk moved forward and sat next to him. For a moment there was a silence, then Turk said, "It's just strange, you know? It's like I... I miss you so much, even though you're right there." He winced. "I'm sorry, that's probably not helping, is it?"

JD half-smiled. "Not really, no. But I know you're not trying to make things harder. Ten years is...it's a huge amount of time, man. This totally sucks for both of us." He sighed, leaning his head back. "I'd much rather remember you than Dan...My brother's kind of a jerk-off, isn't he?" He was silent for a couple moments, trying to think of what to say. "So, is Carla still mad at me?"

Turk sighed. "She's not as mad at you as she is at Dr. Cox," he admitted softly.

"Because he's being nice instead of a jerk?"

Turk laughed. "Actually... yeah, strange as that sounds. She feels like he's lying to you, and she can't figure out why."

JD shrugged. "Me either. He's not lying...I mean, I don't remember a lot, but I can still tell when someone's trying to pull one over on me. And from what I've read...he used to be a jerk to me most of the time. But he's not, now. Maybe he does just feel sorry for me or something, but either way, it's nice to not have to worry about...about still missing a third of my life. And I don't have to think about it, when I'm around him." He smiled a little. "And I know I liked him before, even when he was always a jerk." He suddenly thought of a question he truly wanted to ask Turk, but...not when they were talking about Perry.

Turk sighed again. "Yeah, about that... dude, I'm sorry I've been putting all this pressure on you to... to feel things you might not feel now. It... it's stupid to miss you when you're right here, and if I'd been acting like a friend instead of a selfish jerk, we'd probably be friends again already. So..." he extended a hand, looking hesitant but hopeful. "JD? I'm Chris Turk. Nice to meet you. Again."

"Chris, huh?" JD grinned, reaching out and shaking his hand. "Okay. Nice to meet you again, too. And I don't think you've been a jerk, really, this just sucks for everyone. So you're forgiven, fresh start, all that. Uh...fresher than most people get to, even," he added, giggling slightly. "So...why have we got a stuffed dead dog?"

"We found him at a garage sale," Turk said with a shrug, a grin splitting his face. JD felt himself grow instantly more comfortable. "I guess we thought he'd make a good addition to the dorm room. We're kinda weird," he added.

"I hear that," JD replied, shaking his head a little. "And here I'd kind of hoped I was cool...But I'm pretty much an enormous dork, aren't I?"

Turk grinned. "Every inch of it," he confirmed. "And we love you for it."

"Good to know," JD replied, grinning back. Now this...this was okay. Was better than okay, he could tell he would like Turk being himself, probably a lot. He smiled, stretching a little, making a face when it pulled at his ribs. "Ow. So...can I ask you a few things? I think you know me better than anyone..."

"Yeah, man, anything," Turk replied.

JD hesitated for a long moment. "Okay. I know I use hair stuff, and I'm kind of girly, and...dude, am I gay?"

Turk gave him an odd look. "Dude... that's not exactly something I can tell you, is it? I mean, last I knew, that was kind of an individual choice kinda thing."

JD blushed. "Okay, so I guess I wasn't. I've just been wondering...figured you'd know."

"Dude, again: It's not really up to me. You're not out, if that's what you're asking." He frowned, eyeing JD sideways. "But I'm betting since you brought it up you've got some kinda reason to suspect maybe you are. Am I right?"

JD shrugged. "Been noticing guys, and from what a few people said about me...Thought maybe I was. Would explain why every relationship I wrote about in the past three years has been a complete and utter disaster..."

Turk raised his eyebrows. "Dude... that's kinda freaky!" he said. "I mean, more power to ya and all, but how weird would it be, that the only way you realized you were gay was by forgetting everything _else?_ "

JD laughed. "It'd be one hell of a coming out story, at least. I think...I think I might be. Or at least bi...That's cool, right?" he asked shyly, looking up hesitantly. "With you, I mean?"

"Long as it's not me you've been noticing, that's cool," Turk said. "Though I'd be interested in knowing who it _is_ , seeing as how you've pretty much only been with one person since you woke up and I sure as hell hope it's not _him._ " The words were light, but when JD didn't answer right away, Turk's eyes went wide. "Dude-- _tell_ me you're not falling for Dr. Cox."

"I...no, that'd be really dumb, right? But he does have a nice ass." JD offered a smile. "And it's not you. Even if Carla wouldn't scratch my eyes out, I just don't get that feeling from you. Brother, maybe, but not..." He blushed.

"You're falling for Dr. Cox!" Turk backed up, eyes wide. "You _are_!"

JD's bush deepened. "Shut up! I'm not going to _do_ anything about it, I know that'd be incredibly stupid..."

"Oh my GOD." Turk lowered his head to his hands, shaking it slowly. "This is so messed up it's not even _funny._ "

"It's a little funny," JD replied, sighing and looking away. Great. Get Turk talking to him just in time to freak him out... "Turk, dude...It's probably not real, I know that. It's...gratefulness or something, for him taking care of me. I just...wondered why I was getting a crush on a guy if I was supposed to be straight, that's all." But it wasn't just that, and he knew it. And he knew it was probably dumb to be trying for it, before his memory came back...but he honestly wasn't sure it ever would.

"Dude, that's not the problem," Turk said, sitting up and looking at JD seriously. "The problem is he's doing this on purpose. He's pretending to be this sweet, caring guy, he's letting you move in, he's serving you fucking _wine_ \--of _course_ you're getting a crush on him. He probably _planned_ it that way. And if I thought he was on the level I'd be all for it, but JD... he's _using_ you, don't you see it?" Turk bit his lip, looking distressed. "I just can't figure out _why_. Maybe he really does want to get you in bed, or maybe he just wants a good laugh, or maybe it's a power trip--who the hell knows? But I don't want to see you get hurt, man. I don't trust him."

"The wine was my idea," JD admitted, blushing a little. "I brought it out after we ate. And...I asked him if I could stay here, he didn't think I'd want to if I was myself. I don't think he's being all Machiavelli about it, he's just...being decent. Which, I'll grant you, is apparently really weird, but...I don't know, Turk. Didn't I like him before, when the rest of you told me not to waste my time? I just don't think he's being dishonest with me, I really don't."

Turk studied him for a moment, then sighed, shaking his head. "Yeah, you did like him," he admitted softly. "And... honest to God truth be known, I... I think he cares about you too, in his own weird way. I just... I can't honestly think _this_ "--he waved his hand at Perry's apartment--"is the genuine article, you know? I'm just worried about you."

"That means a lot, man," JD offered softly. "It really does. I don't know what I did, to get friends like you and Carla, and Elliot...but I think I'm a pretty lucky guy. I just hope I can remember, soon," he added bitterly, picking up his wine glass and drinking the last bit in it.

Turk nodded. "Yeah," he agreed softly. "Me too."

* * *

Perry stared up at the apartment from the parking lot, wondering just how much longer he should give JD and Turk before he went back up there. It was _his_ apartment, after all, but... well, he couldn't deny he'd been sort of keeping JD to himself, and it was only fair he let the kid's best friend try to patch things up with him.

Still. He sighed, scuffing the sidewalk with his shoe and scowling. He could only imagine what was being said up there. He knew Carla and Turk (and Barbie, for that matter), along with half the staff at the hospital, were convinced that he had some sinister plot involving JD, and he had no doubt JD was now hearing one of the many hypotheses: he was being nice to make JD feel like an idiot, when his memory came back. He was playing him for a fool. He was trying to keep his memory from resurfacing by deliberately confusing him.

He was trying to seduce him.

He groaned, shaking his head. That last one was the only one that came anywhere near the truth, though Perry wasn't actually _trying_ to do anything. In fact, of the two of them, JD had been the one making advances: asking to stay with him, asking him if he was single, suggesting they have a glass of wine after dinner. Perry couldn't deny he hadn't staved any of those advances off, however, so in a way, he was just as guilty as they made him out to be: he was letting himself be seduced.

He snorted, scuffing the ground again. Not like it would go anywhere--he'd certainly not let it, not until JD had his memory back, and then... well, then the kid would remember what a jackass he was, and he'd be mildly disgusted he'd ever been actively pursuing him in the first place. Things would go back to normal pretty quickly, and Perry would be stuck without even his usual mask to hide behind.

He sighed, shoulders slumping. It was wrong of him, he knew, but... he was almost glad JD's memory was taking its time. Almost. It meant he got to keep playing this out--this "what could've been" scenario that let him know just how much he'd thrown away, when he'd decided to treat the kid like crap from day one.

He knew that was selfish of him, knew that if he had a shred of common decency he'd tell JD to move back in with Carla and Turk--assuming they didn't convince him to do that anyway, of course--but he knew he wouldn't.

So, back to square one: he was still a selfish asshole. He was just playing that from a different angle than he normally did.

He looked up when he heard the door to the apartment building open. Turk walked out, tossing his keys lightly in the air and catching them, then catching sight of Perry. He paused, and for a long moment they stood simply staring at one another. Then Turk walked over to him and folded his arms. "Don't hurt him," he said simply, face more serious than Perry had ever seen it.

"Don't plan to," Perry said back, surprised with Turk simply nodded slowly.

"Hold you to that," he retorted.

Then he spun on his heels and walked to his car (JD's car, Perry corrected himself), climbing in and driving away without a word.

Frowning, wondering what on earth had transpired in the half hour or so JD and Turk had been talking, Perry pulled out his keys and headed back up toward his apartment.

* * *

JD looked up when Perry came back in, and smiled, grateful for the distraction from his thoughts. Turk had left him with a hell of a lot of things to ponder, after all, but some of them...He'd just as soon not deal with. "Hey. Where'd you disappear to?"

Perry shrugged, looking a little awkward. "Oh, just for a walk," he said. "Thought I'd give Gandhi a chance to make up for his behavior over the last few days." He stood next to the couch, hands shoved in his pockets still. "Did he?"

JD nodded, refilling their wineglass again. "Mmhmm. He did. I think things will be okay with us, now. And I like him, now that he's not being kind of an ass." He shook his head a little, picking up his glass. "But he's worried about me. Apparently you're playing me for some reason, taking advantage of my current mental illness for some Machiavellian plot to make me look stupider than usual. _I_ think he has an over-active imagination."

Perry sighed, slumping back down on the couch and picking up his own wine glass, swirling the deep red liquid but not drinking it. "He's not the only one who thinks it," he replied. "Hell, when your memory comes back, _you'll_ probably think it."

"So are you playing me?" JD asked bluntly. "Is this all some elaborate plan to make me look like an idiot? Because I gotta say...there would be much easier ways to arrange that."

"No," Perry replied simply. "I'm not."

JD nodded. "I didn't think so. But apparently my instincts don't count right now..." He shook his head, taking another sip of wine. "At least Turk didn't do the guilt trip thing this time. And I suppose it's nice he's worried about me...I just wish everyone didn't seem to think I'm going to recoil in horror the second I remember you from before. I know I liked you, even if you weren't always sunshine and light and puppies, so I don't get why everyone thinks that..."

Perry frowned, looking up. "You know you liked me?" he repeated. "How? Do you remember...?"

"Still not a damned thing after high school," JD replied bitterly, staring down into his glass, before draining it. "No. Carla brought me my journals. Apparently I'm even more girly than I thought, yeah," he added, when Perry raised an eyebrow at him. "I know you yelled at me a lot. And I know I liked you anyway. Which probably doesn't say much about my self-esteem, no, but...hell. You've been more than decent to me since this started, Perry, and I don't care about the rest of it. Okay? I can't see that changing just because I'll hopefully someday remember you being an ass sometimes, instead of just reading about it..." He squinted at the wine bottle, which was almost empty. Just like the one next to it. Oops.

Perry cringed, draining his own glass of wine and setting the glass on the table with a thunk.

JD looked over at him, wishing Turk hadn't showed up. This wasn't how this was supposed to be going... "I'm sorry. I think I'm a little drunk. Should've known I'd be a lightweight..."

"Wine's strong," Perry said simply, shrugging. It was, too--he was used to hard liquor, but they'd drunk a lot, and even he had a bit of a buzz. He shook his head sharply to clear it, wondering what they were going to do now. The pleasant patter of conversation they'd been having before Turk's rather untimely interruption had been broken, and Perry wasn't sure if he should try to get it back or just suggest they both get some sleep. He settled for draining the rest of the bottle of wine into his glass and downing it in a single gulp.

JD frowned, watching him. "Guess I'm done," he said, stretching carefully and slumping down again, thigh once more pressed against Perry's. "Least I found one thing out for sure," he offered after a moment, deciding to hell with subtlety. He wasn't _that_ drunk, but he was buzzed, and willing to do for things he might not've, if he'd been sober.

Perry swallowed, not even bothering to apologize for stealing the rest of the wine. "What's that?" he said, then cleared his throat when his voice came out a little hoarse.

"Hadn't come out, before. Suppose I should do that at some point, if I want any guy to think he has a chance..." JD looked sideways at Perry, waiting for his reaction.

Perry's senses, a little dulled by the wine, cleared sharply at that. He snapped his head up, looking at JD, then swallowed when he saw the look on JD's face: carefully blank, guarded with caution--but also a quiet hope, and was that--? Yes. Yes, it was.

 _Invitation._

"I... JD," he started, stammering a little as he cast about wildly for something to say. Some proper way to respond that wouldn't end up with one or both of them saying or doing something they'd probably regret in the morning. But he found his mouth flopping uselessly, and another part of him--a very _insistent_ part of him, in fact--was nudging him slyly. _Isn't this what you wanted?_ It whispered silkily.

It--God, yes, it was, of course it was, but... but it wasn't _right_.

"I mean, it'd be hard for him to know it was okay, if he thought I was straight, huh?" JD offered, wondering where the hell the confidence was coming from. But he wasn't going to knock it. Not when Perry was looking at him like that. Surprised, yeah, but hopeful, too. He was sure of it. "So I figure I should make sure he'd know I wasn't."

Perry realized his mouth was hanging open and snapped it closed, swallowing hard. "I, um..." he drew a breath, unable to look away. "I guess that would be a good thing to do." _What are you doing?! Idiot--he doesn't know you!! Are you really going to take advantage of him like this?!_ He shut out the voice resolutely, finally lowering his eyes--though they didn't get far until they snagged on JD's mouth. How had he not noticed exactly _how_ full JD's lower lip was?

JD noticed his gaze, and let his tongue trail across his lip slowly, hiding a grin at Perry's reaction. "Perry? I'm not straight. And I'm gonna go ahead and guess you're not completely, either, are you?"

"Um." _Um? Dr. Perry Cox, world-renowned ranter, is reduced to 'Um'?! Come on, say some real words, at least._ "I... no?" He wasn't quite sure he remembered the question, but he hoped he'd answered correctly. If it meant JD would keep looking at him like that...

"Thanks for letting me know. This could've ended really badly, otherwise..." JD smiled slowly, and leaned forward, not sure he was doing the right thing, but knowing he wasn't going to stop.

And he didn't. He leaned in, pressing his lips against Perry's, tongue lightly sweeping over them before he pulled away again. "You don't have to do anything about it." He sat back again, still watching Perry, eyes slightly hooded. "But I thought you should know."

"Th-thank you?" Perry really wasn't listening; he'd all but whimpered, when JD had kissed him, and the alcohol hadn't done _anything_ to impede his body's reaction to the feel of those lips pressed against his, full and warm and damp from the wine. He swallowed again.

JD laughed softly. "You're welcome. So here's the thing, Perry. I want you. I think you're incredibly hot and I don't really care if you're a jerk in your off time. So...do you want me, too? Or should I go jack off in the shower thinking about your ass again?"

 _Oh sweet Jesus. Did he say_ again _?_ "Um. The first one?"

"Good." JD stood up, tugging his shirt over his head and dropping it, before turning toward the hall, taking a couple steps. He stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Well? Are you coming?"

 _Probably sooner than you think._ "I... yes...?" He stood, nearly swaying on his feet, wine and sheer shock making him feel a little giddy. He walked over to JD, who took his hand and led him down the hall.

JD took Perry to the room he'd been staying in, figuring it was slightly less threatening. He was surprised the older man hadn't protested yet, and figured it had a lot to do with the way JD was trying to keep him off balance. So he intended to keep him there as long as possible. Gently but firmly, he pushed Perry back on the bed and crawled up to straddle his hips, leaning down to kiss him again, longer this time, tongue playing over the other man's lips, gentling them open before he pulled away.

Perry was still too dazed to do anything but follow JD's lead. Distantly, he knew he should put a stop to this, but he was far too distracted to come up with any good reasons as to _why._

JD smiled, pulling back and pressing his hips down a little, smile widening to feel Perry's arousal. "Apparently I haven't forgotten how to kiss, then..."

The reasons hit Perry then, like a punch to the gut, finally breaking through the haze of wine and lust and sheer shock. "JD, I--wait," he said, putting his hands on JD's arms, stopping him from leaning down for another kiss. "I... I'm not sure this is a good idea." He was aware how ridiculous a thing that was to say _now_ , after letting JD drag him down the hall and climb on _top_ of him, for fuck's sake, but he had to say it.

JD pressed his hips down again, rubbing his erection against Perry's still incredibly obvious one. "You're not?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Could've fooled me. I know what I'm doing, Perry, believe me. You're not taking advantage. If anything, it's the other way around. Why do you think I opened the wine, anyway?" He didn't try to kiss Perry again, but kept his hips rolling lazily against the other man's.

" _Fuck,_ JD..." Perry panted.

"That was the plan, yeah," JD agreed cheerfully, grinding down harder. "Though 'blow JD' or 'fuck Perry' would be acceptable, too..."

"You-- _wait_ a second!" Perry suddenly stiffened, all but throwing himself out from under JD and scrambling backward off the bed so quickly he landed with a thump on his ass on the carpet. "JD, just--just _wait_ a second!"

 _Shit_. JD sighed, sitting back, not so subtly adjusting himself in his jeans. "Yeah?"

"I..." Perry ran a hand through his curls, breathing heavily. "Look, I... I want this, don't... don't get me wrong, but..." he waved his hand, frustrated. "You don't really _know_ me," he pleaded. "Hell, you can't remember anything from the last ten _years_. I mean, yeah, okay, maybe you liked me before, fine, but for all you know, you thought of me as a _father_ or something, and if you do this, and then you suddenly snap out of it and you remember what you really thought..." he trailed off, looking up at JD from his rather undignified sprawl on the floor. "Do you see the problem here?"

"Dude, it wasn't as a father. You don't write down those kinds of fantasies about a _father_. Though I think I did call you Daddy in one of them...That was a joke," JD added, at the look on Perry's face. "Perry...As far as I can tell, I already had a crush on you. But you know what? I don't give a crap about before. I want you now, and I know I do, and if I remember something I don't like, I'm old enough to reconcile it with now. Or are you planning to start treating me like crap again if I get my memory back? Then we might have a problem, yeah, but I don't see why you'd have to."

"I..." Perry trailed off, at a loss again. In all honesty, he hadn't thought about how he'd interact with JD, if--no, when--his memory returned. Okay, so that wasn't true, he'd thought about it a LOT, but... he hadn't managed to come to any conclusions. In truth, JD without his memory had seemed almost like a different _person_ , so treating him that way had felt... well, natural. But when he had it back? It's not like he'd just snap back to being the old JD, with no memory of all that transpired between them when his memory was gone.

 _Not how it works, Per,_ a voice inside him whispered. _You don't get to keep him like this, but he's not coming back unchanged, either._

He sighed, lowering his head, wilting a little. "I don't know," he murmured. "I just..." Oh, for fuck's sake. And he called JD a girl?

"Yeah, eloquently put," JD said, just managing not to roll his eyes. "Perry, face it, I like you. And I've got your number, now. You're not an asshole, you just play one on TV. So what's it gonna hurt if I remember you putting the act on for me, too? You're not doing it anymore."

Perry closed his eyes, knowing he was defeated. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay, JD, if--if you're sure this is what you want."

"Hey..." JD slid off the bed, taking Perry's hand and squeezing it gently. "Do I look unsure? I know I'm a bit broken right now, but...I know what I want. I want _you_. But if this isn't what you want, I can always go jack off again." He grinned slyly. "Apparently I've had a lot of practice, I'm really good at it..."

Perry couldn't help it: he laughed. "I don't think that'll be necessary," he said, looking up at JD and lifting one eyebrow. _You're an idiot, Perry,_ the rational voice in his brain warned, but he shoved it aside. Sure, he might regret this, come morning, but... well, right now, JD was making too much sense to be ignored.

 _Don't say I didn't warn you._

Perry growled. _Noted,_ he thought--then lunged forward and kissed JD. Hard.

 _Yes!_ JD kissed him back just as hard, tongue thrusting between the other man's lips, exploring even as one hand came up to the back of Perry's neck. He curled his fingers into a fist, clutching the curls there and tugging lightly as he deepened the kiss, wondering distantly why he was being so aggressive. But he didn't care, because the noise Perry made in response...Holy fuck. He needed to hear that again, and as often as possible.

Perry gave up all semblance of resistance, letting JD tug him up and back onto the bed, and moaning when the younger man resumed his position on top of him.

Perry Cox was a bottom. JD took an internal moment to savor that, before rolling his hips again, hands slipping under the hem of the other man's t-shirt. "I've been wanting to get my tongue on your chest..." He smiled wolfishly--the expression looking disturbingly natural on his usually good-natured face--and leaned down, nipping softly at Perry's lower lip, before pulling his shirt the rest of the way off.

Perry blinked at the younger man, wondering where the sweet kid he thought he knew had gone, and when he'd been replaced by this domineering stranger. In all his fantasies about JD, he had _never_ imagined that JD would be the one taking the lead--or that he himself would be so passive about the whole ordeal. But he was finding himself speechless at nearly every turn.

JD's tongue flicking at his nipple didn't help matters, either. Or at least they didn't help him in terms of being articulate... "Gnnhuuuhgh," he groaned, head arching back, clenching his jaw and his eyes shut.

JD grinned. "You like that." He did it again, before pressing his tongue down hard, then scraping his teeth lightly against the sensitive skin. And for all he couldn't remember ever having sex before, he seemed to know what to do. He'd read his own fantasies, of course, and, well...Perry had a lot of channels. JD'd been taking full advantage of that fact. Not to mention everything on the internet. It was pretty much all porn, anyway, after all. So he had a decent idea of where he was going with things, and how to do them, even if it was mostly theoretical knowledge.

And Perry didn't seem to have any complaints thus far, either.

So JD didn't stop. Before long, he'd trailed sucking bites across and down Perry's chest and stomach, feeling the well-defined muscles jump and shiver under his mouth. He paused, when he reached the waistband of Perry's jeans, smiling at the straining bulge obvious against the denim. "Hmm..." He traced it with one finger, listening to Perry groan softly in response. "What to do next?" He glanced up, watching as he changed from a light tracing to a strong grip with his whole hand, squeezing.

" _Jesus,_ Newbie..." Perry panted, slipping into the old nickname out of habit. "You are a fucking _tease!_ Oh..." He flexed his thighs, pushing up against JD's torturously light grip.

JD pressed back down, almost giggling. This was...incredible. That he was causing these reactions had him feeling giddy, and he had to remind himself to focus, keep control, and keep to the plan. Not that there was much of one...he wasn't entirely sure what Perry would want, and though he knew what he himself wanted, he wasn't sure it'd be okay with the older man.

He certainly hoped so, though.

Twisting his wrist, JD tightened his grip again, before using his other hand to pop loose the top button, and pull down Perry's zipper. After that it was short work to hook his thumbs in the waistband of both jeans and boxers and pull them off together, letting Perry's thick erection spring free. "Still think I'm just teasing?" he asked, licking his lips as he curled his fingers once more around it, stroking lightly.

"If... if you are, then you're... pure evil-- _oh._ " Perry twisted slightly, hips straining up against JD's hand. God... how the hell was he falling apart like this over a _hand job_ , for fuck's sake...?

But it was more than that, he knew it. It was the whole evening--the wine, the look in JD's eyes, on his face; his lips-- _God_ , his lips, pressed against Perry's, then wrapped around his nipple, suckling...

"Thought that was supposed to be you," JD replied, grinning slowly before leaning over, his tongue flicking out and over the head of Perry's cock, tasting and teasing as his hand stroked slowly.

Perry hissed. "Well... you are my protégé...apparently I trained you well," he managed. Holy _Jesus_ , the kid was too good at this...

"Mmm," was JD's only response, his mouth rather busy for snarky comments. He wasn't sure what he was doing, but Perry didn't seem to have any problems with it so far, so he just kept exploring, trailing his tongue over and around and back, before letting the other man's cock slide between his lips, thick and heavy against his tongue. He swallowed around the length, fingers dropping to roll Perry's balls back and forth between them. And all the while, he kept his eyes on the other man's face, watching him.

Perry had also moved beyond coherent speech, though for an entirely different reason. His mouth hung open, eyes squeezed shut, but at a particularly deft twist of JD's tongue he released a choked cry and looked down, wanting to see--

 _Oh, Jesus..._ The sight nearly undid him--that mouth, those _lips_ , wrapped tight around him, devouring him in wet, suckling heat... and God, JD's _eyes_ , dark and intent and watching him from beneath thick lashes. Perry found he couldn't look away; he propped himself on his elbows to give himself better leverage, and slowly, _carefully_ , began to rock his hips, pressing them hard into the mattress before nudging himself gently up into JD's mouth.

JD hummed his approval around his mouthful, as Perry started to move, but carefully set the rhythm himself. It came to him, as he continued, that he'd done this before, but he didn't know who'd been on the receiving end. There was no face, no identity to go with the memory, just the heavy feel of a different erection in his mouth, the musky scent...But he pushed it away, concentrating on Perry, on the here and now.

And it was an easy thing to do, watching Perry's face change, his eyes nearly close, only to be forced open again. God, he was hot like this, losing himself, giving up control... _Wonder if I could tie him up sometime, give him something to pull against..._ But JD pushed that thought away, as well, pulling up nearly off the other man's cock before sliding back down as far as he could go, tongue pulsing all the way.

"JD... wait," Perry said, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder and pushing.

 _Jesus Christ, now_ what _?_ JD pulled back, letting Perry loose from his mouth with a soft 'pop' and sat back on his heels, licking his lips again. "Hmmm?"

Perry read the exasperation in the young man's expression, and grinned. "No, not that--only that if you keep doing that this is going to be over before we really even start it. Hell, you still have your pants on." He moved until he was kneeling in front of JD, and hooked his fingers around the waistband of JD's jeans, leaning forward until their mouths were mere inches apart. "You know?" he whispered, sliding one hand down to gently squeeze along the hard bulge under the denim.

"Oh _fuck_..." JD's head fell forward, until he was resting his forehead against Perry's, his hips pressing forward of their own accord. "Someone...someone should help me get rid of them, then..."

Perry growled, crushing their mouths together--then, in a rather bold move that surprised even him, he gripped JD's waist and twisted him around, gently but insistently lowering him down on the bed. He then leaning over him, deftly thumbing open the button and lowering the zipper of JD's jeans with one hand, while the other slipped beneath, into the flap of his boxers, to cup and stroke softly.

JD lost his breath in a rush, touched by Perry's gentleness--his ribs were still sore enough to warrant it--and admittedly even more turned on to have the big man looming over him like that. He thought of fighting back for the upper hand, but forgot it as Perry's fingers closed around him. "God, _yes_..."

Perry smirked. "Like that, do you?" he murmured, stroking a little tighter.

"No, I'm just...faking so as not to...to... _fuck_! So as not to hurt your...your pride," JD managed to reply, around Perry's movements. His hips rolled in counterpoint and he groaned, softly.

"Well, aren't _you_ the thoughtful one," Perry returned. "But I guess I shouldn't take advantage of your kindness any longer." He removed his hand, swiping a thumb across the tip as he released the younger man--but he didn't tease long, only letting go long enough to carefully remove JD's jeans and boxers, tossing them over the side of the bed before returning to brace himself over him.

"So," he murmured, one finger tracing over the younger man's straining erection, "what did you have in mind, exactly? Since you apparently _planned_ this." On the word 'planned,' he let his fingers curl around the base, and gave it a light squeeze before returning to the teasing stroke of fingertips.

JD laughed softly. "Been planning it for over a week...But I didn't think I'd get this far," he admitted, hips arching up again almost absently. "I want you. In me, around me, over me, under me...Doesn't much matter how, I've daydreamed it every way."

Perry closed his eyes briefly against the images JD's words conjured. "That... that _does_ leave us with quite a few possibilities to explore, doesn't it?" he murmured. "I'll have to consider those options. But first, I think it's only fair that I return the favor, as it were, that you were kind enough to bestow upon me..." As he spoke, he slid backwards on the bed, until he was braced right over his goal. He glanced up at JD, grinning mischievously at him before lowering his mouth and drawing his tongue slowly from the base to the tip, swirling it there and keeping his fingers wrapped around the base, holding him steady.

"Oh holy fuck..." JD breathed, his hips trying to come up off the bed, only to be stopped by Perry's firm grip. "I'm good with...with that..."

Perry hummed in response, mouth too busy to reply otherwise. He slipped the head into his mouth then out, then in again, grinning as it made JD writhe and gasp softly. "Still faking it up there?" he murmured, after this had gone on for several moments.

"Shut up and blow me," JD replied roughly, fingers fisting in Perry's hair.

Perry chuckled, but obeyed, finally drawing JD fully into his mouth. For a moment he simply let him lay against his tongue, waiting until the sudden tension in JD's thighs eased a little before sliding down further, relaxing his jaw and his throat so he could take him to the base before swallowing around him, fighting the instinct to cough. Then he drew back, swirling his tongue in a circle around the shaft before diving down again. His eyes watered a little, but he simply blinked, not caring about his own discomfort--JD's reactions were more than worth it.

"Oh God, Perry..." JD's fingers tightened in the other man's hair, his hips shuddered under the effort of not moving. He forced his eyes open to watch, and let out a noise quite close to a whimper, feeling himself twitch hard inside Perry's mouth. " _Jesus_..."

Perry hummed a little, which elicited such a favorable response from JD that he did it again. He wanted this to be good for JD--wanted it to be amazing. He reached up with his free hand and teased the sac that lay hot and heavy between JD's legs, feeling it draw up tight at his ministrations. He slipped a finger into his mouth, alongside JD's erection, then drew it below, teasing and stroking at the tight opening there, using his thumb to press in hard against the soft patch of skin just behind JD's balls.

"Oh fuck..." JD's voice broke and he shuddered all over, somehow managing to release Perry's hair in time to fist both his hands in the blankets, knuckles turning white with the force of his grip. Each flick of Perry's finger seemed to send further shudders through him, and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. Distantly, he knew that was good, it'd relax him more, and he was certain he'd be good for more than one go... "M'close...don't stop..."

 _Don't plan to_ , Perry thought, but he didn't pause. Instead, he drew his mouth up to suck hard on the head, and, with the hand that had gripped the base of JD's cock, he began a fast, tight stroke, moving his other hand to squeeze JD's balls gently. _Let go..._

"Oh God...oh God, oh God, oh God..." JD's voice started as a soft chant that grew louder, until his voice choked off, his hips snapping up as all the sensations Perry'd been causing came together, forcing his climax up and out in long spurts, pulling a guttural cry along with them.

Perry kept him deep as he came, swallowing, accepting JD's release, relishing it as tangible evidence of the young man's pleasure. He moaned softly as JD bucked and shuddered, letting him move as he wished, feeling his own cock aching and throbbing sympathetically. He kept JD deep until he began to soften, falling limply back against the sheets, then released him slowly, sitting up and licking his lips.

"Holy..." JD opened his eyes, grinning softly. "Holy _shit_. That was...yeah. God. Um. Wow."

Perry shifted, moving until he was braced on his hands and knees over JD, cock heavy and hot between his legs. "Glad you approved," he murmured, moving to kiss him but hesitating, not certain how JD would react to being kissed after Perry had swallowed him.

But JD arched up eagerly, tongue slipping into Perry's mouth with no hesitation. He spared a moment's regret that Perry couldn't just lie on top him, but pushed it away in the warmth of the other man's mouth. "So," he murmured, when he at last pulled back again. "Wanna fuck me?"

 _God, you have no idea..._ But Perry hesitated. "Are you sure?" he murmured, knowing not only was this a rather... _intimate_ act, to say the least, but that JD's ribs had to be sore, still. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," JD replied with soft assurance, smiling up at him. "I trust you."

Perry felt his heart melt a little, touched by both JD's words and the open, adoring look on his face. "I... yeah, okay," Perry said softly, leaning down to kiss him gently again. The he pulled back, a little at a loss. "What can we...? I mean, I don't have..."

JD grinned, leaning up for a kiss before scrambling out from under him, digging in the dresser. "I do. Told you I'd planned this." He tossed a small bottle of lube and a box of condoms on the bed. And found himself just looking at Perry, sitting there naked and hard, want in his eyes. This was _real_. And he hoped like hell he'd never forget it.

"Well. Aren't _you_ the initiative-taker," Perry smirked, picking up the box of condoms. "Put this on my credit card, did you?"

"Nah," JD replied impishly, crossing back to the bed, still grinning. "Used the cash you left for me."

"Crafty, Newbie," Perry grinned back, reaching out and circling JD's wrist to tug him back up onto the bed. "And I think I have an idea..." He lay back, stretching out against the sheets, and eased JD after him, so the younger man was sitting easily astride his hips. "This should keep everyone happy without hurting you, don't you think?"

JD smiled, settling himself gratefully. He _did_ trust Perry, but it was true this'd be safer for the both of them... "Definitely should. So are you getting me ready or are you watching me do it myself?" he asked, nodding at the lube, trying to keep from sounding at all nervous. And he wasn't. Much...

Perry grinned. "I like this watching idea," he admitted. "Are you really that flexible?"

"Usually," JD replied, brow furrowed. He didn't think it'd twist his ribs too much...and reached around behind himself to check. "Yeah, I can manage. Hmm, now how to give you the best view..."

"I like you where you are," Perry murmured, sliding his hands onto the tops of JD's thighs and stroking gently. "And I think I've changed my mind, anyway--no sense risking you hurting those ribs, right?" Then he grinned. "I wouldn't mind watching you do other things, of course..." he winked, reaching out and squirting some lube into his hand, before reaching between JD's legs and once again massaging the opening there.

"Oh?" JD raised an eyebrow, even as his head fell back and he pressed against Perry's touch. "What...what sort of things?"

"Use your imagination, Newbie," Perry replied, slipping one finger inside carefully, the pressing it in further when JD didn't protest. "Surely you didn't forget how to do _that_?"

JD braced his hands against Perry's chest, relaxing against the intrusion that felt...well, different than he'd expected, but definitely exciting. "Huh?" he asked, not really paying attention. "What d'you mean?"

"You," Perry informed him, slipping his finger in all the way and curling it a little, amused that he did, at least, have some practice at this, "are a world-class daydreamer. I swear every time I turn around, you're staring off into space, concocting some absurd fantasy or another."

JD would've liked to answer, something about being relieved to know he'd always done that, but it was hard to answer around the sudden muffled noise that escaped him. "Oh God...do that again?"

Perry curled his finger again, stroking, and sliding a second in as well. "In fact," he continued, "I used to use those times to my advantage. You're a pretty solid daydreamer; you don't notice what's going on around you, when you're enmeshed in one of your little scenarios. Would you like to know what I'd do, when I realized you weren't paying attention to me?" He moved his fingers carefully, stretching, paying very little attention to what he was saying but talking to distract JD, keep him relaxed.

"What?" JD asked breathlessly, with a look of pure wanton pleasure. What Perry was doing felt odd in way, good in another. It didn't hurt, and every movement of his fingers seemed to send shocks all the way through JD's body, making his cock twitch back to life.

"I'd watch you," Perry said. "That's all. Just watch. And when you'd get that dreamy look on your face, that ridiculous smile, sometimes I'd pretend you were dreaming about me."

 _Oh God. Did I really just say that out_ loud _?_ Perry cringed, hoping that maybe JD was too distracted to have noticed...

"Hope I was," JD replied, opening his eyes and looking down at Perry for a moment, before grinding down and gasping again.

Perry snorted. "If you were, then based on your occasional exclamations, you were having some strange thoughts about me," he grinned. "You ready, kid?"

JD nodded, but grinned. "Then I don't think I want to know what they were..." He let out a long breath as Perry slipped his fingers free, smiling down at him. "You really hoped I was daydreaming about you?"

Perry blushed, fingers fumbling as he opened a condom and put it on. "I... well... yeah, I guess," he admitted. "You know. Sometimes."

JD wriggled a little. "Good. I like that. And I've definitely been daydreaming about you lately..." He raised himself up on his knees, reaching down to guide Perry into position, letting out a long breath before he sat down carefully, letting out a breathy sigh as he did so.

"Oh, Jesus..." Perry closed his eyes, the searing pleasure that enveloped him as JD took him in making it impossible to breathe for a moment. "Oh, my God... _Newbie_..."

"M'not God, but thanks..." JD's voice was hoarse, though, as he lowered his hips all the way, hands once again braced against Perry's chest. He experimentally tightened his muscles around Perry, then relaxed them again, smiling a little at the reaction it got him.

Perry released a harsh breath, nearly a moan, and thrust his hips, unable to stop himself. "Oh, _fuck_...JD, that's so... _oh_..."

"Good?" JD suggested, doing it again. Holy fuck, this was...incredible. Completely incredible. He lifted himself up, carefully, and then dropped back down, groaning as he did so. " _Fuck_...."

Perry opened his eyes, watching, breathing ragged; watched as JD raised himself again, then pressed down, meeting the rolling thrust of Perry's hips. He was hard again, Perry saw, and reached out, wrapping his fingers around JD's cock, stroking quickly. He wasn't going to last long, he knew it, and he wanted JD to come with him...

JD reached down, putting his fingers over Perry's, squeezing them lightly, and then pushed them gently aside. "Just...just watch me," he panted, hand matching Perry's thrusts and the motions of his own hips, all of it at a gradually increasing pace.

 _Oh dear GOD..._ Perry's eyes widened, watching as JD sat back, head falling back and mouth dropping open as he stroked himself, releasing soft whimpers that weren't quite moans but weren't quite sighs, all the while lifting himself up and rocking back down against Perry, tight and hot around him. Perry drew his knees up a little, planting his heels, and gripped JD's thighs, thrusting harder. "Oh, God, JD... I'm... I'm going to..."

JD clamped down tight around him, his hand moving in faster, looser strokes, his soft noises growing deeper. "Me first," he murmured, and suddenly spasmed hard around Perry's cock as he spilled over his own hand, eyes squeezed tightly shut, his whole body arched in release.

Perry followed an instant later, arching up hard and groaning as his cock spasmed again and again in its tight, hot, living sheath. His toes curled into the sheets, entire body tense, the sensations ripping through him simply too powerful to be believed. He wouldn't survive this. _No_ one could survive this. "Oh, my _God_..."

JD grinned again, not quite sure how he was keeping himself upright when his bones seemed to have been removed. "Told you I'm not God...but again, thanks."

Perry made a face, halfway between amused and incredulous. "Oh, just get _down_ here, would you please?" he panted.

"Already went down," JD replied, but carefully lowered himself, groaning when he straightened his legs. He let out a soft sigh of contentment, though, when his head rested against Perry's shoulder. "That was _awesome_."

"S'putting it mildly," Perry murmured, arms going up to rest lightly across JD's back.

"Mmm..." JD knew they shouldn't just fall asleep, but the thought of moving any further...Yeah, it so wasn't happening. Perry could do it, if he wanted to. "Thank you...That was way better than imagining it was...."

 _Thank you?_ Perry frowned, but stroked JD's hair. "Don't mention it," he said lightly. His frown melted away, however, when JD hummed sleepily. "G'night, Newbie," he murmured, unable to keep the smile from returning. He closed his own eyes, feeling himself beginning to drift, JD's weight warm and comfortable above him. He lowered his arms to his waist, holding him carefully but firmly, and let himself begin to drift into a deep, relaxed sleep.

JD followed, not long after, though he wanted to stay awake to savor the sensation of being held, being cared for. Still, he reasoned, as he yawned, he was sure to have good dreams now.

He was wrong.

* * *

The dream started out like several he'd had. JD recognized parts of Sacred Heart from his stay, but now he was walking through it with purpose, recognizing people, treating patients...He heard medical jargon fall from his lips, saw himself performing procedures, actually saving lives...

And all through it, Perry was there. But not the Perry he'd come to know, who looked out for him. No, this Perry was different. JD found himself ducking away from him, confused, but every time he slipped through a door, there the older man was, always talking. Walking in the halls ("Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing...You know, when you talk?") in a long room, full of many many hospital beds--the ICU, something in his brain whispered ("....now you've got to wake up sweetheart! You're gonna be late for schoo--aw, you wet the bed...why can't I have a normal child without these problems...?").

JD ducked into the elevator, going down to the front desk, but there he was again, arms crossed ("Look, Reba--if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. D'you understand?")

Even running outside didn't help, he went through the doors, only to find they led straight back inside, and Perry was still there, grinning grimly. ("Hooookay, that was my mistake, here I engaged you and gave the impression that I actually care, which is just so wrong! God! ...you definitely need something. Maybe a backbone, or a pair of testicles, or at the very least a pillow that you could carry around and just cry your sad eyes out into...")

The words were still echoing in his ears when he woke, breathing hard.

Perry still lay half-beneath him, one arm clasped loosely around JD's shoulders. The smell of sweat and sex was heavy in the air around them and JD shivered slightly, wishing he'd turned the heat on. At least Turk always kept it on high, so he and Carla could sleep naked...not that she ever would. JD started to giggle at the thought, and then froze.

He remembered Turk. He remembered Carla. And...oh holy fuck, he remembered Dr. Cox.

Cautiously, as if it all might disappear again, he let himself think of Turk, first. And a cascade of memories nearly overwhelmed him, college, med school, their internships...All present and accounted for, and no wonder his Chocolate Bear had been so upset, God...

But JD couldn't dwell on it, nor on the sudden rush of purely _medical_ knowledge that seemed determined to prove to him he really was a doctor, and had better start studying again before he fell behind. He pushed it firmly away, too, feeling a headache already starting behind his temples.

But over-riding all of it, the joy of knowing just who he was--girly, dorky, but at least himself again--was knowing his dream hadn't been an exaggeration. Dr. Cox _had_ treated him like crap, from day one. And here he was, lying in the other man's arms, sweat and semen drying and sticking them together.

 _Oh my God. Perry Cox said he hoped I daydreamed about him. I tried to_ top _him. We had_ sex _. Good sex, too. Incredibly good sex...Focus, Dorian! Do you regret it?_

Did he? It was an honest question. A good one, too. But...no. No, he didn't. He'd been right, the night before. He _knew_ Perry wasn't the asshole he'd been pretending to be.

But there was suddenly a year and a half of hurt laid on top of that knowledge, and JD swallowed hard against it, trying to calm himself.

Finally, carefully, he slipped free of Perry's arms, soothing the older man with a soft caress when he half-woke. JD grabbed his cell phone and headed to the bathroom, wincing a little at the soreness of his ass. Once safely locked in and sitting on the floor, he paged Turk.

 _Chocolate Bear. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Call me? JD_

There, that should get a fast response...

Sure enough, moments later, the phone in his hand buzzed. He flipped it open. "Turk?"

"JD! JD, shit, I got your page, you--you remember, don't you? You remember? You're back?" Turk's voice was high, almost breaking with excitement.

JD couldn't help grinning, feeling a bubble of pure happiness rising up in him, even considering everything else. "You know it."

"Quick--what are we going to name our robot?"

"Gizmo, and don't insult me, dude," JD replied, almost laughing. "Some of it's still a little hazy, but I've got most of it, I think. In one huge, headache inducing chunk," he added ruefully.

"You DO remember! JD, this is so awesome, I can't believe it--dude, you've gotta come home! Tomorrow! Shit, tonight if you want, we can grab a pizza from the gas station and get some beer and--"

"Uh, Turk? It's not that simple. I...did something you'll probably think was really stupid." JD winced, rubbing his temples again, before pulling himself up to search through Dr. Cox's--Perry's-- _Argh!_ Through _the_ medicine cabinet for painkillers.

"What? Dude, are you okay? You sound a little stressed."

"Just a little. I, uh...Oh fuck. We had sex, after you left. Perry and me, I mean. And I don't regret it, dude, I really don't, but--"

"You _what_?!" Turk's voice did crack, now. "You have got to be--Jesus, that fucking _bastard_ , I _knew_ he was using you! JD, I'm coming over, I'm going to kick his fucking _ass_ \--!"

"Dude, would you calm _down_? It was my idea, I had to talk him into it...And I'm not sorry it happened, so just chill, okay?" JD groaned softly. "Look, I need to talk, yeah, but...I don't want to have to defend him, too. He didn't hurt me, he didn't do anything I didn't ask him to. Didn't do anything I didn't thoroughly enjoy, either," he added, half to himself.

"That's not the _point_ , JD. Don't you see?" Turk's voice was a little calmer, but not much. "He was planning this from the start. He put on this whole nice-guy facade, he made you think he was your best buddy in the world, he made you want him--he _seduced_ you, JD! Jesus, what the hell do you think? That he's in love with you or something?"

"He didn't fucking plan this, all right?" JD pinched the bridge of his nose, forgetting to keep his voice down. "Dude, it took me over a week to get him into bed, and I've been doing everything I could think of! I don't know if he's in love with me, Turk, but I know he cares. I'm _sure_ of it. Even remembering everything about him. So I don't need you to come and defend my honor...I could handle that myself, if I thought I did." This wasn't how he'd planned to talk things out, but JD realized he was figuring out how he felt just as quickly as if Turk had been understanding. "Can you just admit maybe he's not always the asshole he acts like at work? Though it's no wonder he does, if this is the reaction he gets from people when he tries to be a decent guy..."

"Okay, fine," Turk said. "You're a grown up, you can decide who you sleep with. But answer me this, JD: Are _you_ in love with _him_?"

"I..." JD hesitated, surprised by the answer. He hadn't thought he was, but... "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Turk sighed. "Look, dude... I really hope you're right about him. I do. But... shit, man, this is _Dr. Cox_. You remember him now, so there's no excuse. Treats you like shit, tortures you constantly...ring any bells?"

"Some really loud ones," JD agreed, sighing. "Yeah, I know. You can see why I'm stressed?"

Another sigh. "Yeah. Look, dude... what are you going to _do_? You can't keep pretending you don't remember him, he'll figure it out eventually."

"I'll tell him the truth," JD replied slowly. "I mean...I _have_ to. Guess it'll be up to him, then. If he turns into an ass again...well, it'll hurt, but that'll be my answer, right? But I don't think he will. I really don't. So I guess...we'll just have to work it out. If I mean something to him, too...But hell. Forget all that for a second. I _remember_ you, dude! I was getting really afraid I wasn't going to..."

Turk laughed. "Yeah, dude... you and me both. All right... look, it's about three in the morning and I have a shift in a few hours, but I'll see if I can get The Todd to switch with me. We SO need to talk. And not on the phone."

"We do. Call me when you know. I should...I should get some sleep. I feel like I got hit by a truck..." JD winced, but giggled. "'Course, I did, huh? Anyway. Go kiss Carla for me, CB. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, buddy."

JD hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his head back against the wall.

After a long moment, he pushed himself up again, finishing cleaning off. He looked in the mirror, smiling a little to see his hair lying flat across his forehead, remembering his surprise at the hair wax. "Have to tell Carla about that..."

He shook his head, splashing water over his face, before sighing again. Memories were still trying to crowd each other, though there was a blank spot leading up to the accident...He remembered Dan's visit, but nothing after, and he knew there'd been nearly two weeks between. "Probably gone for good. Oh well. And you're stalling, JD," he added, frowning at his own reflection. "Now go back to bed."

Following his own instruction was more difficult, but he did it, dropping his phone on the bedside table. He looked down at Perry in the half-light, sighing softly. _Yeah. I love you. Dammit..._

With a bit of gentle tugging, he got the covers down and slid under them, pulling them up around Perry as well. But he couldn't quite bring himself to curl close, even though a part of him ached for it.

It was a long, long time before he slept again.

* * *

JD was awake when Perry finally opened his eyes.

The younger man was no longer lying on top of him, but had at some point rolled to one side of the bed. He lay now, eyes open, staring at the ceiling; Perry watched him for a moment before murmuring softly, "Hey."

JD looked over at him, and smiled slightly. "Morning. How'd you sleep?"

Perry chuckled, groaning as he stretched. "Better than I have in about ten years," he admitted, grinning. "You?"

JD's smile turned wry, and he shook his head. "Like I lived ten years at once."

The grin slipped from Perry's face in an instant. "W-what?" he stammered, eyes widening. "You... JD, do you...?"

"Remember?" JD nodded. "Yeah. I do. Had a hell of a dream last night, and woke up with it all in my head..."

Perry stared at him, jaw hanging open, trying to think of something to say. "You remember," he breathed. _Shit. NOW what?_ JD didn't look horrified at what they'd done, but... he didn't exactly look happy, either.

JD almost smiled at the look on Perry's face, turning on his side to face the other man. "Yeah, that's what I just said. You okay?"

"I... um." Perry shook his head sharply. "I guess that kind of depends on you, doesn't it?"

JD sighed. "I'm not sure how I am, yet...I mean, I'm glad I remember Turk and Carla and med school and everything...But I've got to admit things would probably be easier between us if I was still clueless. I don't regret it. I swear, I don't. But..." He shrugged helplessly. "I do feel a little weird now. Do you?"

Perry closed his eyes briefly. _Damn._ "I..." He didn't... or he hadn't, not until JD said that, but then again, _he'd_ known who they both were the whole time. And wanting to get JD into bed, well... that wasn't something he'd decided with only half his memory intact. "I guess, a little," he finally said. "Like going to bed drunk and realizing the waitress you brought home wasn't as hot as you thought she was, huh?"

JD winced, unable to hide the flash of hurt across his face. "Um..."

Perry, however, mistook it for regret. He sighed. "Yeah, well, nothing to be done about it now, I guess," he said softly. He sat up in bed and swung his legs over the side, back to JD, and bent to retrieve his fallen boxers. "Other than keep it to ourselves. I mean, not like anyone knows..." _Damn! You_ knew _this was going to happen, Perry--you_ knew _that as soon as he remembered you he'd regret this, and he can say what he wants but it's pretty obvious he_ does.

"You...you want to pretend it didn't happen?" JD asked, his throat closing on him. Fuck, maybe he had been wrong...Maybe he should've faked it. Though why Perry would want him damaged, and not now, he couldn't understand. "I thought..."

Perry lowered his head, silent for a moment, then stood, tugging on his boxers without turning to look at JD. "You got a better idea?" he murmured, feeling defeated.

JD sighed. What had he expected? That Perry would want to be his boyfriend? God, he _was_ pathetic. "I guess not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressured you into this...I know you didn't want to, and I shouldn't have...shouldn't have kept insisting, when you'd end up with regrets."

Perry closed his eyes, but shook his head. "No, I... I'm the one who should've been thinking clearly," he murmured. "I could at least remember enough to know that... that something like this would happen." He shook his head again, running his fingers through his hair, and glancing back at JD. "Look, I... I'm sorry," he said. "I need to go get dressed and get to work, and I assume you'll want to start packing. Just..." he looked away, quickly, when he felt his eyes beginning to sting. _Damn it, Perry, pull it together..._ "Just lock the door, when you leave," he finished quickly, then left the room, pulling the door shut gently behind him as he went.

He made it to his room before he collapsed. He lowered himself down onto the edge of the bed, face in his hands, and tried to just breathe.

 _Shit. This is so messed up..._

But he'd known it would happen, hadn't he? Known the amnesia wouldn't last forever--and God, he couldn't really want that anyway. JD needed to remember his life, needed to remember who he was and what he loved doing--needed to be a doctor. But... but some selfish part of him had wanted to hold onto this new JD, this JD who didn't realize he was living with the guy who'd made his life a living hell for the last year and a half. This JD who represented the infamously unattainable Second Chance.

"Dream on, Per," he muttered, shaking his head and scrubbing at his eyes. He drew a breath and released it in a slow sigh, letting his accustomed misery, which he hadn't even been fully aware of discarding, slip back around him, settling in place over his heart, keeping out the pain--but keeping everything (and everyone) else out, too.

He stood, and, slowly, began to dress. He didn't have to work today, and JD might very well know it, but he'd be damned if he'd stand by and watch as JD, like everyone else who'd ever made him happy inevitably did, packed up his things and walked out of his life for good.

* * *

JD watched him go, biting his lip hard. "But you have the day off..." he murmured to the closed door. He'd hoped they could spend it in bed together, before...before. Shit. Why had he thought this would be different? Why had he thought....crap. He sighed, pushing back tears that tried to fall, sniffling as he got up, making the bed, tossing the condom wrapper into the trashcan.

He was still sniffling when he heard the front door close, some time later, and he sank to the bed, burying his face in his hands. How had things gone so wrong so fast?

Well, Perry had given him his marching orders. He sighed, packing his things, pausing over one of the journals. He tore a page from the back of it, grabbing a pen and writing out a note, trying to keep any tears from falling on it. He almost succeeded, and wiped away the one that did. He wrote for a long time, though the note itself ended up fairly short. After a few moments deliberation, he snuck into Perry's room, and laid it on his pillow.

Finally, packed and ready, he called Turk, waiting in the living room for his friend to come pick him up, trying to compose himself. He only partially succeeded.

* * *

Perry wandered around the city aimlessly, not even bothering with the Porsche. He wandered through the park, sitting on the bench and staring at nothing until the cold started to get to him, then walking some more. He tried not to think, but he was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.

What would they do now? Could they go back to the way things were? Perry knew it was probably for the best but... _God_ , that would all but _kill_ him. He'd gotten so used to being _real_ around JD that being anything else would be painful. He wouldn't be able to do it.

But where did that leave him? They couldn't avoid working together; even if JD switched off his service, they'd run into each other on occasion. Then what? Smile politely, nod, and go about his business? Jesus, that'd be harder than treating him like he used to, nearly--at least then, even if he was being a complete ass about it, he'd been looking out for JD, trying, in his strange way, to be the mentor JD'd always wanted him to be. Even if JD didn't see it.

But that was just the problem. JD _didn't_ see it. He never had. And every rant, every insult, every name had gone down on some mental list (or hell, who knew, maybe in that journal of his), and JD couldn't let them go; couldn't realize that all Perry had been trying to do was take care of him. Help him. Teach him. Maybe, in a weird way, love him, too.

He sighed, kicking aimlessly at a rock on the path in front of him. Yes, he loved JD. More than he would have ever imagined possible. That wouldn't simply vanish, no matter what, but... Perry could hide it all the same, if he had to. If it was what was best for JD, then he'd do it in a heartbeat.

Even if it _did_ kill him.

It was dark by the time he returned to his apartment, trudging slowly up the stairs, hoping against hope that maybe, somehow, JD would still be there--and simultaneously praying he wouldn't be.

He needn't have worried. The apartment, when he turned the key and pushed open the door, was dark, cold. Empty. He sighed, shoving the door closed with his foot and shrugging out of his jacket. He slung it over the back of the chair and wandered into the den. The glasses and empty wine bottles were gone, no doubt cleaned up by JD himself before he'd left. Evidence erased.

Perry swallowed, the headed toward the liquor cabinet, grabbing a glass and pouring himself some scotch. He the slumped back onto the couch, trying not to think about the fact that less than 24 hours ago, he'd been sitting here with JD, and flipped on the television.

He fell asleep that way three hours later, empty scotch glass falling from his hand to roll under the couch, while on the screen, images continued to flicker unseen.

* * *

 _Shit. Why couldn't I have done this over the phone?_ JD had called the hospital, letting them know he was in more or less full possession of his memories. Only to be ordered in to take a few impromptu tests, and figure out a return schedule.

So he'd had Carla drop him off on her way to run a few errands, extracting a promise from her to return as soon as she was done. JD had been grateful, at least, that the tests hadn't been with Perry...But it was small consolation to his aching head. He hadn't done as badly as he'd feared, but he still had studying to do, before he'd be allowed back fulltime. Not that he minded, he'd been going to suggest it himself. But now all he wanted was to get home as soon as possible, without getting stopped by too many people.

That was a hopeless wish, everyone he saw wanted to talk.

He'd finally pulled himself out of inane conversation with Doug, and was turning to go, when he saw Perry, heading toward him, head buried in a chart. _Fuck, what do I do? I told him I'd give him time..._

But Perry barely glanced at him, simply nodding a little and saying, rather breezily, "Hey, Cynthia," before continuing on his way.

Cynthia? "Oh, fuck, _no_..." JD clenched his jaw, staring after Perry for a moment, before turning and pushing off the wall, storming out of the place, gritting out a "Not _now_ ," when he saw the Todd coming toward him.

He walked home, not bothering to call Carla and see if she was finished. Halfway there he broke into a jog, anger fueling his steps, though the pain in his ribs as his breathing deepened into pants eventually forced him to stop. Still, by the time he got home, he'd decided he didn't _care_ if he'd told Perry he needed time, and he'd give him the same. Didn't care if he'd said he didn't want to know if the Perry'd he'd seen hadn't been real.

Because part of him was still convinced it _was_ , and there was no way in hell he was letting Perry pull this crap. Not without a fight.

* * *

Perry's head was aching by the time he returned to his apartment. He'd had catch up paperwork to handle all day--he'd taken a lot of his vacation days the past month, to stay with... well. It had left him with quite a bit to do, when he'd returned, and there was little that Perry hated more than paperwork.

He tossed his keys onto the kitchen table, flipping disinterestedly through his mail. Cable bills, mostly; catalogues that Jordan had signed up for, and he'd never gotten around to canceling. Nothing of interest. He tossed it onto the table with his keys and wandered toward the den, stopping by the liquor cabinet to grab a bottle of scotch and thunk it down on the coffee table along with a glass.

He sank down onto the couch and reached for the remote, but he had only just flipped the TV on when the key in the door suddenly rattled. He frowned, and spun around, then felt his heart sink when JD stormed through the door, looking intent on murder.

* * *

Grateful he hadn't left behind the key Perry'd made him, JD took the stairs up to his apartment two at a time, not bothering to knock as he let himself in. He pushed the door open, and felt himself scowl to be confronted by Perry half-sprawled on the couch, the Scotch already out before him...

"What the fuck kind of game do you think you're playing?" JD snarled bluntly, crossing his arms and staring at the older man, anger now a tight knot in his stomach.

Perry raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?" he said, voice low and deadly.

"You heard me," JD replied, voice steady, no hint of fear or hesitation in his manner.

"Oh, I heard you," Perry agreed. "I heard you barge uninvited into my apartment and start yelling at me. I was just hoping I'd heard _wrong._ " He clenched his jaw, getting to his feet and brushing his nose with his thumb before folding his arms across his chest. "What do you want, Newbie?"

If JD'd been less angry, he would've smiled, recognizing the gesture. "Look, I know I told you not to bother telling me if I'd been wrong about you, but I still think I deserve a little more than just going back to random girl's names and being ignored. I want to have this out, and if we have to do it like this, fine. But I'm not going to just let you pretend you have somewhere to go again, and get out of it."

Perry frowned. "Deserve more than girl's names?" he repeated, focusing on the part of JD's argument he'd been able to follow. "Fuck, Newbie, _you're_ the one who said you felt all 'weird' about this." His lip curled into a sneer on the word 'weird,' voice going a little higher, mocking the younger man. "As I recall, _I_ was the one who tried to get you to _stop,_ but ooooh, no--can't listen to old Perry, can we? He's good for a quick fuck or two but not for advice. Shouldn't surprise me, I guess--it's not like you _ever_ take my advice, even when I do spoon-feed it to you."

"I told you I didn't regret it, and I _don't_. Or at least I didn't, before..." JD sighed. "But yeah, it was a little strange. Forgive me for needing a couple hours to sort things out in my head. Guess I shouldn't have bothered, since you're set to go back to being an asstard again...And I can't believe you'd even try to say I don't take your advice. Where have you been for the last year and a half?"

"Listening to you whine and complain and daydream and basically make a general nuisance of yourself," Perry retorted. "And sure, you take my advice _eventually_ , once you realize that yes, Dr. Cox was right again, but you usually insist on putting everyone through the John Dorian Angst show first." Some distant part of Perry's heart was crumbling a little bit with each word, begging him to stop, but he was too angry to listen to it. "I mean for fuck's _sake_ , Newbie. What the hell did you want from me, anyway? A cookie? A hug? A surrogate father? Because you've made it _damned_ clear you didn't want _me_. I tried giving you _that_ and it bit me in the ass pretty damned quickly, so no, forgive me if I'm not real keen on jumping right into being 'just friends' the way you girls always seem to want, and don't you even _dare_ try giving me that 'it's not you, it's me' speech, because I've heard it one too many times, and trust me, Jacinda: It's bullshit. So answer my fucking question then get the hell out of here. _What do you want?_ "

JD's face hardened, remembering the note he'd labored over. _Don't know why I bothered..._ "I already told you. And I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I? So fuck you, Perry Cox, and fine, I'll go." He dropped the key still in his hand on the coffee table and spun around, slamming the door behind him.

Perry snarled, hands flying to his hair, eyes and jaw clenched. _Fuck_ , he was such an idiot. To think that things could change--that _he_ could change, that JD could believe it if he did... why the hell should he? No one else had.

The first time he'd ever had a reason to want to, and he'd gotten it thrown back in his face. Well, no more. He lowered his hands, storming toward his bedroom. He'd... fuck, he didn't know. He'd call Kelso, tell him he was putting in for a transfer, he'd get the hell _out_ of here, because he sure as hell couldn't go to that place every day, not when the last thing that had almost made it worthwhile had been snatched from him. He couldn't do it--he simply _couldn't_.

He flung open the bedroom door and grabbed a duffel bag, tossing it onto the bed, not sure exactly where he was planning to _go_ , but needing to get out. Fast.

It was then, however, that he noticed the sheet of paper sitting on his pillow. He frowned, pausing long enough to reach out and snatch it up, wondering how on earth it had gotten there--then gasped, nearly dropping it when he recognized JD's handwriting.

The ink was a little smudged, the writing a hasty scrawl, with more words scribbled out than actually remained. It covered the front and back of what could only be a sheet out of one of JD's journals--too small to be regular notebook paper, and too thick, too. There were a few smudged places where the ink was more blurred than usual, and where the paper had gone a little wavy--tear stains. Jesus...

 _Perry,_

 _I'm leaving, since you asked me to. I don't want to, not really, but I don't want to make things more awkward than they are, so I will._

 _I don't regret it. I swear I don't. I'm hurting a little now, but...I'm still glad we shared that, even if it wasn't all I thought it was. I am sorry I put you in a position that really didn't have a good outcome...but I hope eventually you can forgive me._

 _I don't know if things will go back to "normal" when I get back to work, but I hope not. I'd like to think I got to know the real Perry Cox. If I didn't...don't tell me? I guess I'll know from how you act when I'm back, anyway._

 _If I did...well. It's girly as hell, but I was definitely falling for him. Hard. And knowing he can be a jerk doesn't change that._

 _I need a little time, to adjust everything in my head. I'd guess you do, too. But I still want you. I don't think I'll be back right away, anyway, but call me, if you want to grab dinner, or something. We should talk this out, not just freak out at each other._

 _And no matter what, thanks for the best sex I've ever had._

 _JD_

"Jesus," Perry's fingers were shaking harder, vision blurring a little, by the time he reached the end. Falling for him? Was he serious?

 _Oh sweet lord... what have I done?_

Suddenly, everything from earlier made sense--JD's anger, his last words: _"I already told you, and I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I?"_

Perry dropped the bag and spun on his heels, sprinting down the hallway and out the door. He took the stairs two at a time and barreled into the door, out onto the street, looking around frantically. _Oh, please, let him not have left yet, please..._

 _Yes!_ JD's car was still there, parked a little ways down the street; Perry could see the dark silhouette that told him JD was sitting in it, though why he hadn't left yet, Perry didn't know. He dashed forward, coming up alongside the car in minutes, heart catching in his throat when he realized JD was clutching the steering wheel, eyes clenched shut, tears slipping down his cheeks. He hadn't seen Perry approaching; Perry tapped on the window to get his attention. "JD!"

JD started and looked up, half expecting to see a police officer or something. But his face hardened again, when he saw Perry. He reached over and locked the door, wishing he felt steady enough to just drive away.

Perry's eyes widened, and he shook his head, hand pressed against the glass. "JD, please--please, let me talk to you!"

"So you can yell at me more?" JD muttered, and shook his head, trying to push away sobs that would only aggravate his aching ribs. He was such an idiot...

And knew himself to be more of one, when he raised his head a moment later and unlocked the door again, rolling down the window. "What?" he asked dully.

"JD, I... Look, I'm sorry," Perry started, leaning over. "Can--can you get out of the car? I feel like I should be taking your order, here..."

"Fine..." JD heaved a sigh and rolled the window up again, opening the door and getting out. He leaned against the car, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. He didn't bother to wipe away the remains of his tears. "Why're you sorry? Did you want to make me cry harder or something?" It was low, and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself.

Perry winced, but he knew he deserved it. "No," he said, shoulders slumping a little. "No, JD, I--look... I found your note."

"I'd kind of figured that..."

"No--I mean just now, you idiot," Perry snapped, then closed his eyes, frustrated at himself. _Good, Perry, way to win the kid back over..._ "I didn't... I didn't know... why didn't you _say_ something yesterday morning? That you felt this way?" he waved the note in the air, barely refraining from pacing outright. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

JD blinked at him, having to once again rapidly rebuild things inside his head. He was getting tired of all the construction in his skull... "When did I have a chance? You went right from comparing me to an ugly waitress, to saying we should hide it from everyone we know, to running off and pretending you had to go to work! That's why I _wrote_ the goddamn note." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Where'd you sleep last night, anyway?"

"I--my couch," Perry admitted, then frowned. "I never compared you to an ugly waitress."

"You told me it was like waking up after a night out drunk, to find out the girl you picked up wasn't nearly as hot as you'd thought. Sounds like a comparison to me. Why? What would you call that?"

Perry felt his mouth drop open, and for a moment all he could do was stare. Then, incredibly, he began to laugh.

JD sighed, looking up at the sky and shaking his head. "Why am I even talking to you?"

"No!" Perry shook his head, wiping helplessly at his eyes. "JD, I... I meant _me_ ," he said. "When I said that--God...I figured that was how _you_ felt." He grinned. "After all, _I_ knew perfectly well who I was going home with. You were the one who woke up to a bit of a shock."

"You...? _Oh_..." JD felt himself blush, and ducked his head a little. "Well...that makes more sense, doesn't it?"

Perry's grin softened to a smile; he turned and leaned against the car next to JD. "We're a bit of an awkward picture here, aren't we?" he murmured.

JD laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I think so. So...today at the hospital, you were just doing what...what you thought you had to, I guess, huh?"

Perry nodded, looking down at the pavement. "Yeah," he said. "Actually, I was doing what I thought you wanted."

JD nudged his shoulder against Perry's. "I want you to keep acting like you have been. Want to still be with you...It was just a shock, you know? I...well. I remembered everything in a nightmare, and I couldn't get back to sleep after. I hated that I felt all awkward, though..."

Perry flinched. "Remembering me was a nightmare, huh?" he said, trying to keep his voice light but failing. "Yeah, I guess it would be. I haven't exactly been the nicest of people to you." He glanced sideways at JD. "I'm sorry, kid," he offered quietly. "I guess... well, it's kind of how I treat all the interns, and once I got going I didn't know how to stop. You know?"

"The remembering you part wasn't the nightmare, it was just...a really bad dream," JD replied softly, shivering a little. "But...thank you. I do know what you mean, but it still means a lot to hear you're sorry. You're not...not going to go back to it, are you? Now, I mean?"

Perry sighed softly. "No, I'm not," he said. "I'm..." he grimaced a little. "JD, this--this isn't going to be that easy, you know. I mean, you saw how people reacted, when I was... well, when I wasn't putting on my Perry the Jackass show. They thought I was up to something. They're going to keep thinking it, too; they're going to think that I'm... hell, that I'm just toying with you, to get in your pants, that one day the other shoe is going to drop. They're going to give us both hell about it. You sure it's worth putting up with all that?"

JD didn't answer for a moment, thinking of Turk's protests, Carla's, Elliot's doubts...and then remembered the moments he'd spent curled in Perry's arms, feeling the older man holding him... "Yeah. I'm sure you are. I never do things the easy way, anyway..."

Perry looked away again, but he was smiling; shyly, he slipped one hand out of his pocket and slid it through JD's arm, linking their elbows. "Yeah," he murmured. "Me neither." They stood in silence for a few long moments, then Perry said, "JD?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you... I mean... do you want to go back upstairs?" He colored slightly, then hurried on: "I mean, not to _do_ anything, necessarily--not that we _can't_ , but that's not why I'm asking--it just seems like there... like we might be more comfortable, I don't know, having this conversation inside instead of out here in the dark..."

JD laughed softly. "Who could refuse an invitation like that? Yeah, let's go back in. And I can think of several things I'd like to do..."

Perry grinned at him, pushing himself away from the car but keeping his arm linked with JD's. "Oh? Care to share any of those ideas, Dr. Dorian?"

JD used his free hand to lock the car door, before following Perry upstairs. "Mmm...they're all variations on a theme..." Inside him, the hard knot that'd formed when his memories returned began to loosen.

Perry chuckled, unlocking the apartment and leading JD inside, engaging in easy banter with the younger man. His heart was lighter than it had been in a long time, even lighter than it had been the night he and JD had... well.

 _It's really him now,_ a small, shy, deliriously happy voice within him whispered. _It's really him, he really knows you, he really still wants this._

Yes, he did. They still had things to work out, true, but Perry knew they'd do it. They'd get there, now that they'd stopped getting in their own way.

* * *

Later, much later, after a few hours of talking around a bachelor-style dinner of cold pizza and leftover Chinese with orange soda, they were once more curled together in bed, sweaty and sticky but perfectly content. Perry lay on his back, JD beside him, arm draped over the older man's chest; Perry had tucked his own arm about JD's back, and his fingers were playing lightly through his hair.

"So what are the chances of you sticking with this look?" Perry asked suddenly, tugging at the strands of JD's hair that still lay unspiked across his forehead.

JD made a face. "You _like_ it this way?" he asked, incredulous. "It's... _flat._ "

Perry grinned. "Yeah," he agreed. "And I can do this"--he drew his fingers through JD's hair slowly; JD snuggled a little closer, all but purring--"and have a hope of getting my hand back afterwards," Perry finished, returning to simply toying with the strands of dark hair.

JD sighed. "Turk won't like it," he said. "He likes the spiked look."

Perry's hand faltered at the mention of Turk; after a moment, he said, "Well, you may want to listen to him, then; he _is_ your best friend," in a voice that was far too carefully light to honestly be casual.

JD hid a smile. "Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend," he replied. "And not the one I want touching it."

Perry drew back to look JD in the face. "Boyfriend, huh?" he murmured. "You're really sure this is what you want?"

JD grinned, drawing himself up to lean over Perry again and kiss him, gently but thoroughly. "If you're sure you'll have me," he said softly.

Perry made a show of pretending to consider it; JD punched him lightly on the arm. "All right, all right," Perry relented with a laugh. "But under one condition, Newbie."

"What's that?"

"Never call me your 'boyfriend' in public. It's waaaay too Sweet Valley High, you know?"

JD rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say," he agreed. "Long as I can keep doing this."

He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Perry's, tongue darting out to trace his lower lip. Perry closed his eyes and reciprocated.

JD took that as a yes.

* * *


End file.
